Getting what you want and still being unhappy about it…..

I know what you are thinking…… what an ungrateful title and it’s true. Getting what you want and what you’ve worked hard for is the most amazing feeling in the world and yet for so many of us it is also so hard to deal with and negotiate. The feelings can be overwhelming, all encompassing and actually can have a detrimental effect on our wellbeing. I don’t think this lasts forever but that it is our minds way of adapting to what are often significant changes in our lives.

I imagine many people wouldn’t get that in the mind of someone who suffers with their mental health they can be happy and have nothing but good things going on and yet still feel utterly lost. Life is such a rollercoaster in so many ways and I feel like many of us are just more susceptible than others to be affected by each and every twist and turn.

I am of course mostly talking about my own life, this last year has been full on, stressful and demanding. I’ve had some victories which I have been so happy about and the changes that follow them have been ones that have not always been on my own timeline and that’s something I’ve always found hard.

Coming off my antidepressants is something I have written about here often. We are at the year mark now and as much as I ‘m happy to be medication free I am also disappointed that one of the main reasons I came off them was because of physical side effects which actually haven’t gone away. I have always been someone who in my struggles has been more depressed that anxious though the two are always present however anxiety seems to be my main issue now and to the point where it is having physical side effects which are causing me some considerable issues.

There is of course an argument to go back onto some form of medication and that’s what most people I discuss this with say to me. At the moment it’s not a route I want to take and I am for now managing myself using other methods that I have learned through my years of therapy and the many books I have made myself read on the subject. That doesn’t make it easy though. Medication doesn’t make it easy, there are no magical cures and no quick fixes to help us deal with life and how our brains process it. In fact I have considered maybe I was naïve and thought that coming off my tablets and being chemical free would somehow make everything better. I realise reading back what I wrote at the time and six months tablet free that I wasn’t but I do think that I was happy to blame the tablets for all the physical issues I was having when in fact it seems like they didn’t really have much bearing on it at all.

Lately I have found that lots of things that used to bring me joy I haven’t had time for or haven’t been able to include in life as much as I’d like. Time then moves on and you fill it with the other things that are more ‘important’ and all of a sudden find that those joyful things have taken a backseat and that you are affected by them not being there anymore. I am sure this is one of the reasons why I am not so happy at the moment and finding that things that should be making me smile aren’t. Reading is one of those things, I love to read and find myself in a world that is totally unlike my own, to get lost in the tales of others, in love stories and fantasy worlds and to have some escapism from the real world. Alas, there is a giant pile of books I haven’t got through, my concentration is so lacking and I’m always so tired that I just can’t manage to read. I have recently got through one book, ‘Circe’ by Madeline Miller which took me back to A Level Lucy who studied Classics and lapped up all the history of Greek Mythology. I enjoyed reading it but felt guilty for taking the time to do so.

I used to run and savour exercise but again I just don’t feel like there is time at the moment. Of course there would be if I made time for it but that would have to be at the detriment of something else and the Lucy I am at the moment who finds more joy in a sharing bag of Doritoes than in trying to fit into running gear is scared of being judged for being bigger than I have been in a long time and for not being very good at it anymore. I still love going on my walks but I tend to go at times when it’s very quiet and I feel like I can be myself and not have to see people.

I was talking to a friend who is very similar to me with her mental health. She has recently been able to make some changes in her life which are amazingly positive and make a huge difference to her wellbeing but now that she has done it she is worrying about other things. We both cursed our brains for not allowing us to just be happy for ourselves and instead to revert to the default position of worrying and not letting our minds rest.

I think with me and the position I find myself in now is that the anxiety I am having about all manners of life is something I need to get in control as I can’t be happy and content all the while I am worrying about every tiny detail, not getting any sleep and not saying no to things I can’t sustain because I feel like I will be judged for saying no. This is an ongoing journey and having referred myself back for more CBT (three months on the waiting list and counting) it’s one I hope to deal with and manage in order for my life to be on an even keel again.

I get that this post is probably massively depressing but it really isn’t meant to be. I think it’s me saying you know what its okay to have loads of amazing things going on and still feel like you haven’t quite found your feet, its okay to not feel confident all the time and its definitely okay to start over on a journey even if its one you’ve undertaken before.

I am grateful for all of the huge blessings I have in my life. I am grateful that I’ve become who I am from where I was three years ago when I started this blog and undertook some of the toughest times of my life. I am blessed in so many ways and I just need to get my brain in check to recognise that just because I am blessed doesn’t mean its not okay to always be happy. To recognise that I am who I am and that I will always feel everything and often harder than others do. I am a work in progress every single day and at the moment I need to see that the work on me is what is desperately needing to be done as opposed to prioritising other things that will still be there when I’ve sorted my ever worrying, never switching off brain.

So if you like me are up every night with insomnia, suffering with constant thoughts of not being good enough or not being able to cope, the dizziness and shaking that anxiety brings and the tears that come from no where then please know, you will be okay, you need some help and that’s absolutely fine. You can push pause and you have places you can look for help. You may also benefit from telling someone and reminding yourself of the things that bring you joy. The things your brain may have allowed you to push out you can make time for and the people around you will respect and understand that.

Much love, Lucy xxx

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Progress….. schmogress

Progress. It’s a word I hear constantly covering all manner of subjects. In the dictionary it’s defined as ‘moving toward an improved or more developed state or to a forward position’. In short I feel it seems you aren’t anybody anymore unless you are making progress.

We all know the world we live in is so very pressured and that stress levels are through the roof for many people. We are constantly looking to improve everything, to have nicer homes, better jobs, more money, to lose weight, to exercise more, to save the planet, to raise well rounded children and so many more I could list. The trouble is though so many of us are pressured toward progress before we’ve even managed to feel like we’ve mastered the thing we are doing now.

I write and talk about mental health as so many of you know and it feels a bit at times like people are more interested in progress than how they are feeling at that moment in time. I often have conversations with people who will say they are having therapy and instead of saying that it’s helping them they feel the need to say how many sessions in they are and how far away they think they are from no longer needing that kind of therapy. Of course feeling like you can move on from a kind of therapy as you’ve received a benefit and need to put it into practice is an amazing thing but it’s also amazing to be receiving therapy and knowing it’s what you need even if you don’t see an end in sight or feel that you are progressing as quickly as you should.

We are measuring progress using other people’s tape measures and that can be a very dangerous thing. One persons ability to deal with trauma is very different to the next and the constant pursuit of progress means that some are left feeling crappy because they haven’t been able to move away from something as quickly as someone else.

In a world where we are trying to encourage individuality and self awareness pressuring people into thinking they have to progress at the same rate as others is I feel damaging and actually could hinder the progress being made. Yet we are still doing it. We allow ourselves to be pressured into thinking that we have to do it in the same way and at the same pace as everyone else and for someone with mental health issues that is a very dangerous thing.

I was having a discussion with someone this week about something that was worrying me and has been worrying me for sometime. The person trying to be supportive said to me that I didn’t need to still be worrying about that and it was time I let it go. That person was totally right. I 100% agreed with them however you try telling the brain of a mental health sufferer that. Not only will their brain do whatever it wants to do (in my case worry) but it will also add additional pressure because then I started to worry about why I was still worrying because I should clearly be over it as other people would have dealt with it by now.

Progress is clearly a wonderful thing which makes people strive for better and improving oneself and your position is something we have all done and will all continue to do. I just wonder if we are missing out on being where we are at for a while. Working out whether we are happy in the position we are in and actually whether we don’t want to push for progress at this time. If you have a small home that you can afford, you adore and makes you happy why should you feel pressured to buy a bigger one? If you are happy in the job role you are in then why should you feel like you need to chase something that pays more if you don’t need to? If you are suffering with your mental health and need some space in that moment to decide what to do next as opposed to embarking on a therapy you might not be sure about well that’s okay and we shouldn’t feel pressured to do otherwise. In times of crisis I agree things may be a little different though.

I think the message I’m trying to get across here is that where you are is where you are and that’s totally okay. You don’t have to be in the throws of improving everything all the time. It’s okay to just be and regroup. Of course there will be times that progress is at the forefront of your mind and that’s totally okay too. Be who you are as after all that is your super power.

Much love, Lucy xxx

Reflections from an antidepressant free woman

It occurs to me that I’ve hardly written anything here for months. I think a big part of that is life and it going at 150mph as usual and me struggling to keep up. It also and this is the hard bit for me to write is because I’ve been trying to get to know myself again.

Sounds ridiculous I know. As a thirty five year old woman you would think i should have a pretty good idea of who I am but I think that coming off my tablets and having to take on board all that entailed has made me realise quite a few things about me.

In lots of ways it’s heightened my sensitivity to everything and I mean everything. That’s a good thing in some ways but really hard in others. Coming off my tablets didn’t mean I was cured and no longer suffered with the MH issues I do it simply meant I wasn’t happy to deal with the physical side effects anymore. That’s a massively personal decision and one I stand by and would respect anyone in their decisions with regards to being on meds or not. They are amazing things and help so many people, I’m definitely a fan I just felt they were not for me anymore.

I’ve definitely come into a bit of a slump, feeling everything can be exhausting and beautiful all at the same time. I find I process things now in a very different way to how I did before and have taken a much more logical approach to myself and my struggles. In my head now I play out what is worrying, bothering or making me down. I ask myself questions about it, I write down the answers and I try to talk about them to people I know have my best interests at heart. These are things I did sometimes do when I was taking my tablets but I almost thought that because I was taking them they helped to deal with all that and I was with hindsight lazy in how I dealt with my thoughts and feelings.

When I have bad days now I tend to go to being angry with myself for not being able to just snap out of it and guilty for those around me who might get frustrated and pissed off with me (I don’t think they do, it’s just my mind) then I remember even when I was medicated my default position throughout my whole adult life has been one of hating myself. I’ve always been cruel to myself and so far it’s never helped once in fact it’s made my life harder and I’ve suffered ridiculously because of it. So I’ve learned on days like today to take it as just that, a day like today. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like this and if it goes on too long I need to take responsibility for those feelings and seek to get some help with them. Or maybe tomorrow I will feel okay and realise today was just one of those days.

It’s not easy, in fact dealing with these issues on a daily basis is hard and exhausting. It really is fighting a battle no one knows anything about and all that before you do anything else like be a parent, go to work and do all the other things that are expected of grown ups. Sometimes as well I now realise that I blame my mental health issues for things when actually they have nothing to do with it. To give the most common example with the boys. Two boys, a year apart in age with totally different interests, who both feel they are entitled to everything now, who don’t understand that their parents get tired and have to work exceptionally hard to give them all the things they do and who try to kill each other at least seven times a day would I think give any human being a headache from time to time. They are good boys, I don’t mean to make them sound like they aren’t but they like lots of other children don’t realise how lucky they are and often take it for granted. When the boys are being shits I feel down and disrespected. When my friends children are being shits they feel down and disrespected. These feelings aren’t exclusive to those with mental health issues but are probably present in all parents at some point in the children raising adventures of life.

Also I realise that sometimes people make me feel crap. Things they say, things they do and how they treat people. Again this isn’t all about me having mental health issues and a lot more about the fact that some people are arseholes and it says more about them. Once you accept this fact and don’t blame mental health it’s quite an empowering feeling. The fact I have the issues I do may of course mean that my reaction to these people is a bit more severe or it bothers me for longer but any person would be bothered by such behaviour whether they were a MH sufferer or not and if I remember that I can draw strength from it. Feeling crap because of people’s actions whether it be Donald Trump or a rude staff member at a supermarket is not exclusive to me and sadly occurs the world over again because some people are just not nice.

So as much as staying on my meds would have been easier I’m pleased I decided to take that leap. For someone like me processing these thoughts and feelings no matter how hard or painful is something I realise now that I need to do. I need to be aware and mindful of my own thoughts and how I deal with them. Then I can in turn realise how they effect me and learn to deal with them in a way that is healthy, beneficial and kind to me and those around me. It takes more time to live in this way and I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it when I could just go back on my meds but then and this is one of the most profound things I have said in ages surely time when spent on you and your health is worth spending. Doing what you want to do and in a way you want to do it isn’t selfish it’s essential. Caring for yourself is key and however you do this is valid, important and worth it even if others wouldn’t deal with the same issue in the same way or don’t understand your path.

As many of you know last year I became a Champion for the Time to Change Campaign in my area. Champions are mental health sufferers who want to help others by talking about their own struggles with mental health issues. This Thursday the 7th of Feb is their ‘Time to Talk’ day. A day encouraging people to have a conversation about mental health. This is a huge thing and really every day should be one. I am going to be working on Thursday but will be equipped with some resources and will be encouraging people to talk about their MH or to learn about others. I am honest about my struggles probably to the point of oversharing but I believe it’s important. It needs talking about and by talking about it we can spread awareness and even help those around us (listening is a massive part of this too!) So do me a favour if you can please and have a chat with someone on Thursday, in person, via text, email, social media, over a fence, at the checkout or wherever. Let me know if you do and how it went. You can find out more about the Time to Change Campaign here.

As always thanks for reading and if you need to need to get in touch please do.

Lucy xxx

Another year in review…… how old am I?!

So…….. we are in that in between Christmas and new year bit for another year. I’m not quite sure how we have got here. I’m quite sure I told this year at the beginning that it wasn’t to fly by like 2017 did and that I needed some time to savour it all.

Apparently I am not in charge of the universe and am sat writing this post in a funny Christmas haze where I’m not sure exactly what the day is and I’m quite sure I don’t need to eat anything for another month at the very least.

I wrote an Instagram post about how I get so full of ideas, hopes and inspirations for the new year that I then get overwhelmed and end up just wanting to sleep and push a massive pause button (if anyone sees one please push it for me!) I’m not sure if this happens to others or whether it’s a part of me with my mental health struggles and whether it makes any sense to others at all. To be a person with low self esteem it can be really hard to make positive changes become effective as you manage to talk yourself out of them before you begin. It’s like a bizarre cycle of having great ideas, writing them down, getting excited about them, telling others who get excited for you and then saying ‘actually no, I’m too useless to do that’ and it all being forgotten. I am much better with this than I used to be but some of my inner critic still plays a massive part in my thought processes at this time of year.

2018 as years go was actually quite a good one. There were some big changes and lots of upheaval but all to good ends. We had our extension built and made our home suit us. We lived through and survived the building works without killing each other and have come to appreciate our home so much more. I have written more about mental health which for me has been a big thing. Not just because of the massive stigma that is still attached to having MH issues but also because laying yourself bare is hard. Reflecting on thoughts and feelings that hurt you or are painful is a difficult process however one which I realise for me is key. I often return to previous things I have written and acknowledge that I have made progress, been able to identify triggers have been able to smile on reflection.

This year I had an idea, an idea which started as a tiny thought in the back of my mind which was watered and eventually after my negative thoughts telling me I couldn’t do it ended up with me telling others and organising my first ‘Talking about Mental Health’ session in January. Since making the event public and the numbers of people confirmed to be attending has gone up I’ve spent a fair amount of time telling myself I’m ridiculous, that how dare someone like me think that I could help anyone and who the fuck am I to think that people might want to listen to me talk about mental health and small ways to cope with it. I’ve written emails out asking to cancel it ( and not sent them) and made numerous excuses in my head as to why it will never work. However I’m not doing that. I’m going to go and talk even if it’s just to my Mum (she is definitely coming!) and I’m going to keep talking. I will talk about mental health wherever anyone will have me. I will write about it, I will spread awareness of it and I will help people. Because my voice is worthy of being heard, my experiences real and I think I can offer something to others.

I would say that this year has become one of awareness for me. I took more time to maintain and improve my mental health because it is a necessity for me. I came off my antidepressants because of the side effects they were having. I made a conscious decision here that I needed to make a change and approached it with an open mind as to whether I would go onto others or not. I wasn’t going to give myself a hard time either way as I believe that if you need them antidepressants are amazing. As I type though I am currently not taking any. I have lots of thoughts about this as I have found the whole process very hard. It was physically and mentally exhausting and has meant I now have to increase my small measures to keep my depression and anxiety in check. If I need to go back on a different kind of antidepressant I will but for now I am on a journey with myself and it feels good to be learning more about me and what my mind needs.

My boys have grown in height and personality. They have been massively challenging and this year has been a tough one for Karl and I as parents. I am blessed and I know that to have children is a privilege denied to many and I take my responsibilities as a parent very seriously. This doesn’t mean though that I am very good at it or that I have any of the answers. I am from a family of mostly girls. I don’t get boys and I often feel sad that lots of their interests we don’t share. I go along with them of course but it’s hard to know that they would always rather talk about cars or minecraft than listen to me talk about some of the things I am interested in. I do though when I look at the bigger picture realise that they are patient with me when I stop to take pictures of flowers or they walk in when I’m doing yoga on YouTube (you should see their faces!) they are also very good at helping with my Instagram pictures and show an interest in what I am doing even if they roll their eyes when I ask them to pose holding a candle!

Boys are tough when they are young so people keep telling me, they test boundaries, struggle with surging testosterone and finding their identity. With only a year age gap and both being keen spirited and strong it makes for interesting times and due to shift work and being on my own a lot it adds to some of the parenting fun but I love the boys more everyday and watching them grow is nothing short of an adventure.

As I do every year I learned a lot about myself in 2018 and grew to appreciate the people I love more and more. There are always hardships in any relationship but I honestly believe that if you can rely on the people you love no matter what you do, have done, your mood or how hard work you are then you have it made. Some of the hardest lessons I have learned is that not everyone will stay in the dark times and actually those people never loved you anyway. You become very wary of those kinds of people and you learn a lot from them (it may not feel like it at the time but it will all be good lessons) I hope that the people around me know that they in turn can rely on me in the same way and that I will fight for those I love when I need to. There simply isn’t time in the world for false friendships and toxic relationships and this I’ve learned over the last couple of years is something I am totally allowed to walk away from. We are all entitled to take things out of our lives that cause hurt or upset and we must never forget it.

I am excited for 2019, to build on the lessons from this year, to host more mental health talks, to become more aware of my own mental health and to help others to do the same. To spend time with the people I love, to smile more, to visit places I have never been and to have a better relationship with my own body. To be kind to me for once instead of filling myself with negative thoughts and to know it’s okay to not be okay all the time and to acknowledge that no one has a perfect life and if they say they do they are lying!

I’ve met some amazing people this last year and can’t wait to spend more time with new friends and meeting some new ones along the way.

I am so grateful to each and everyone of you who reads my blog, who takes the time to say hi, to click like, to follow me here or on my social media and who accept me for who I am. The glorious mess that I am and to not make me feel bad about it. I hope you continue to read in the coming year and that you know how much I appreciate you listening.

Here’s to 2019!

Christmas my way…….

I’m quite sure that I’m not the only one feeling the overwhelm and pressure that comes with the season. I’ve read and seen lots of blogs, Instagram posts and tweets about how to have a slow, simple Christmas and I feel a bit like that comes with its own kind of stress.

It sounds mad doesn’t it that someone like me gets anxious at the thought of a ‘normal’ hectic Christmas but then has the same anxieties about trying to keep things slow and simple and actually knackering myself out trying to slow things down.

I feel that the key for me is pressure. Lots of pressure. Pressure from all manner of different places on how I should conduct my Christmas when actually I need to work out what kind of Christmas I want for me and my family and just go with that.

Like many others I’m all for shopping local (in fact this year I have done most of my shopping from small, independent businesses) however I’m also acutely aware that the vast majority of small, independent shops don’t want my children to break their stock if I dragged them shopping with me. I have to prioritise my time and I don’t want them to feel the pressure I am so we don’t tend to shop at weekends and just spend time doing other things (wrestling and discussing minecraft if the boys have their way)

My point is I have massively good intentions but as a mother I have to plan the season in the way that I feel is best for my family. I simply can’t spend as much time as I would like on things such as making presents or elaborate present wrapping. I will do my best but by the time the boys go to bed and I’ve tidied up I want to collapse in a heap. Often that’s all I do!

It feels almost selfish to put it all to one side and go to bed but I am in such a space of knowing if I overload much more all of the bits will come falling down around me (imagine giant Jenga) and I will end up in a mess that will last well into the new year.

I know I cannot have a totally slow and simple Christmas because that’s not my life. We work shifts, we pass like ships in the night and we have to make the most of every minute together as a family. I have to cram some things in otherwise one of us would miss something and I would rather rush around like a loon and know that I will get to see the boys school play as opposed to missing it. I also know that when I can taking the time to be more relaxed is vital. I need that time when I can lay under a blanket and just be for a bit without having to worry about making salt dough decorations or homemade mince pies.

If I were to sum up this blog post it would be like this. Christmas to me is about love. You do it however feels right for you and your family whether that be a family of friends, close relatives or just your own household. If you get to have a slow and simple Christmas that’s bloody amazing, if it’s a bit frantic and frazzling make some time for you where you can and know that the people around you will love you no matter how much you get done. If you have good intentions to be eco friendly or supporting of small business but haven’t been able to get a grip on this or get out to the high street then that’s okay too. A couple of small things will make a big difference. Ensuring you recycle over the festive period and perhaps ordering a couple of bits online from small businesses ticks those boxes.

We aren’t superhumans, we won’t always get it right nor though does that mean we are getting it wrong. We are doing the best we can with the tools we have and if anyone judges you for that then send them my way. You go through a hell of a lot in a year to be judged on how you decide to spend your time over the Christmas period and how you decide it works best for you.

To that end this year we are having lamb for Christmas dinner and on Boxing Day we are having steak and halloumi fries. We aren’t doing the elf on the shelf nor am I partaking in the Christmas advent calendar making competition at the boys school. I’ve lost no weight on the lead up to fit in my Christmas dress and people will have to lump it.

I am doing what’s right for me and that’s all any of us can do. I am excited for you however you decide to spend your festive season and I look forward to seeing pictures and hearing about it here. I realise this year I can be an anxious mess or I can say I can only do what I can do. I also know that my resolve will at some point soften and that I will need to remind myself of this blog post, my coping tools for times of need and the fact that just because I live with mental health issues it doesn’t mean they need to be any worse over Christmas and no one around me would want them to be.

On that note I’m off to pick the monsters up from school. Wishing you a fab week lovely people xxx

An October review…….

October is one of those months where I tend to have a bit of a review. My birthday is this month and I think as it approaches every year it makes me evaluate where I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve achieved over the last year.

When I thought about it quickly I thought that this year hasn’t been one full of great things and huge achievements but then I thought again. This year I have focussed more on me than I have for a long time. I have had the at times uncomfortable realisations of who I am, what I’m about and what I need to let go of. I have dare I say it become more happy. I have allowed myself to be who I am in ways that I would have feared to in the past. Worries about being mocked or treated differently I haven’t allowed to plague my thoughts like I used to and I am for the first time in a long time  in a position where I can say that the people I have around me understand and embrace me for me no matter what. Not you Mum, you’ve been doing that for almost thirty five years now!

No matter what is a big statement. No matter what is in good times or bad, when I have had successes or failures. When I’ve made good decisions or hideously awful ones. There really is a huge amount of truth in the saying ‘find your tribe’ and when you do you need to hold on to those people with all you have.

I have talked about my mental health more this year and I feel with more authority. I am on a journey that evolves on a daily basis and it’s a journey that I am at peace with as opposed to fighting against. I have made the decision to come off my antidepressants and to take more control in other ways over my mental health. I have started small practices to help me on a daily basis that are becoming habits. I write down how I feel, I meditate, I read more and I am more realistic with myself.

I have put on about two stone and I’m currently wearing a size eighteen. This is a big thing for me to tell you but after all the peanut m&m’s and those yummy Ikea biscuits I am hardly surprised but for once in my life I am being kind to myself. I have realised that limiting myself is a way I used to self harm in the past and denying myself nice things as some strange way of punishing myself did nothing other than make me miserable. I have cut down on alcohol and started running again (slowly and with a very interesting style but still) I have realised that I am meant to have big boobs and they need to be comfortable so I’ve started buying my bras at Victoria’s secrets because they don’t only make sexy, tiny underwear but they make the most comfortable bras I have ever worn. They are expensive and I only buy them in the sale because that’s what I can afford to do but it feels good to be looking after myself and taking pride in doing so.

I see the beauty in having no plans, in living simply and taking each day as it comes. I love to see friends and walk around taking pictures even if it is somewhere we have taken a million pictures of before. I have realised I like yoga and just because I am not as bendy as most people doesn’t mean I can’t do a downward facing dog as well as the next person.

We have made a small house into a big house and have taken pride in doing so. It’s been a massive lesson for us as a family and a couple but it has bought us closer together and bought pure joy. I look forward to getting the garden finished and starting my flower garden and the thought of cutting flowers I have grown myself next year to display in my home brings a huge grin to my face.

I have realised that there are so many things in this life that are so much more important that I ever thought. Sitting with my parents over a cup of tea talking about the birds, seeing my boys play with their friends, listening to the boys read, eating cake with Karl, taking my mum out and treating her like she deserves to be treated and laughing with my friends. These things are priceless, these moments to be made memories that I can cherish forever.

I want to continue to write and talk about mental health. I want to help people, to give blood (once and counting) to explore more creative pursuits, to spend more time with the people I love and to see them go from strength to strength. I hope that when  I write this post next year it will be another year of little things that have added up to massive things when I will be meeting another year older as a welcome friend full of excitement and promise.

Thanks as always for reading, for listening, for being here and being you. You have no idea how much each and every one of you that has taken the time to email, comment on my social media, hit the like button and talk to me about my blog and writing have helped me this year. You are amazing and I hope you never forget it.

Lucy xxx

Yes I’m hard to love but I didn’t choose to be this way…….

When you are someone who suffers from any kind of mental health issue you will be well aware of the stigmas attached and also how difficult it is for someone who doesn’t suffer to understand.

Let’s be honest why we as sufferers do the things we do often doesn’t make sense. It’s not always rational, it’s not simple or following common sense and it doesn’t always make us feel better but we do it anyway. To give some examples things like not going a certain route to avoid seeing people, not wanting to wash, not wanting to get out of bed, feeling like everyone hates you and many more that I could spend all day listing.

What I as a sufferer find makes things even harder is when people treat you like being down, anxious or anything else you suffer from is a choice you are making. It’s almost that opinion that you could switch it off but choose not to. I can assure you I do not choose to feel low. I don’t choose to feel meaningless, worthless or anxious and I certainly don’t choose when I do or don’t feel this way.

Even someone who is medicated and well aware of their triggers will have good days and bad. Often the bad days hit you like a train when you don’t see them coming. You can wake up and just feel not right. You can feel like the hardest thing in the world to do would be to pull the covers back and get out of bed. The thought of leaving the house and people looking at you and seeing all your weakness pouring out of you is abhorrent. Even when they probably wouldn’t notice anything at all was awry but you know and to face a world knowing that can be debilitating.

I get completely that to be a friend, partner or family member of someone who suffers with their mental health can be exhausting, miserable and downright confusing however the worst thing that you can do is make that person feel like their issues are their own fault and that they are making a conscious decision to be the way they are. Just as no one would chose to have a broken bone no one would ever make a choice to feel the way many of us do inside our own brains somedays.

We as humans make mistakes. Small ones, big ones, life changing ones, ones that can affect everything around us or put our lives in danger. Many of these mistakes are made at times of crisis when actually we as people are making ourselves the hardest to love. When we are the hardest to love that’s often when we need to be shown love and understanding the most.

You as a friend, partner or family member of a mental health sufferer may get frustrated, angry, hurt and have no idea what to do for the best for your loved one. But the best thing to do is just that, love them. Don’t make them feel bad that they are suffering, don’t add to their pain by treating them like having a mental health problem is a choice and don’t take the love away. These times of crisis really are when they need you most.

I find talking really helps and support is on offer for both sufferers and those who care from them. There are massive resources online and you can search for local support groups in your area. Please ask for help and keep talking to each other.

Lucy xxx