Tag: projects

Hello to 2020…..

I’ve just realised that last year I wrote a total of five blog posts. Five. For someone who has so much on her mind all of the time I managed to write five times in the year. That makes me disappointed in myself as I know that my mental health is improved by writing and sharing how I am feeling here.

I have written in the past about many different things, mental health (of course!) the boys, life, reviews, things we’ve done as a family and much more but I find myself relatively uninspired nowadays. Not because I don’t do the things I used to but life has changed considerably since I started my blog and I have had to change how I do things around it.

My work for example has very much taken over in the last year. I put my heart and soul into bettering myself there and succeeded which was a huge thing for me and something I’m very proud of. It did mean however that I spent less time taking pictures and writing and more time with my head in books and learning.

We have as a family grown as people and I have been learning about myself as a mum and how to deal with many of the challenges that being a parent throws at you. I’ve not really been successful in dealing with these challenges however I have certainly learned a lot!

I think that overwhelm took over in the latter part of the year and I was actually quite ill again mental health wise. I ended up taking Leo to the dr and having the GP asking to see me on my own as she was concerned I seemed so low. Earlier this year I left the GP in tears clutching a prescription for antidepressants feeling like a failure and that I was letting everyone down. After the successes around work and the high that bought I felt like I was being ungrateful and I struggled to process that I had achieved things I had wanted and yet felt more miserable than I had in a long time.

Exhaustion and mental health attract each other like metal and magnets and sadly you can end up in a massive spiral where you don’t only get the mental health side effects like being low, anxious, tearful, suddenly angry, struggling to sleep etc but also physical ones like aches and pains, spots, dull hair, dry skin and many others. The worse you feel the more you don’t know how to deal with it and before you know it you can end up like I did and feeling like you’ve let yourself go, you could sleep for a year and are sick of yourself crying let alone feeling like the people around you are sick of you too!

I do the classic also and set myself up to fail thinking things like ‘I’m going to diet and lose loads of weight’, ‘I’m going to run every day’, ‘I’m going to start taking better care of my skin and use products every day’ and ‘I will not eat chocolate ever again’ and then feel like utter shit when I remember I’ve done none of these things while sat in bed eating a family sized bar of galaxy with my Buddha belly popping out of my PJ’s.

We also see images on a daily basis of people appearing to have it all sorted. Women who are beautifully made up with gorgeous clothes, time to work out, lovely figures and happy looking children getting it right everyday. Of course this is not real life and I am acutely aware of this but that doesn’t mean that once in a while I wouldn’t like to appear like one of those women who has it together as opposed to getting there by the skin of my teeth and looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards!

Anyway I’ve massively digressed. As I usually do! I am not taking the antidepressants i was prescribed as I discussed it with my counsellor who could see how effected I was by the thought of being on them again. I’m such a big believer in them and they have a place for anyone who needs them but it just didn’t feel like it was right for me when I had made a conscious decision to come off my old ones and to use more natural tools to cope because of the side effects I was having. I didn’t want to go through the side effects being back on them and as it often gets worse before it gets better I was scared to let myself go lower as I didn’t know I had that much room for dropping without hitting rock bottom. I’m pleased with that decision and as the weeks have passed even though I’m still struggling things are getting brighter and I’m using some of the tools I had tried and tested before but had lost in the spiral of exhaustion and anxiety.

The fact that I’m here and writing something even if it is a load of rambling on I’m seeing as a really good thing. I also think that in all of the posts I’ve written the thing that pulls them together is me and the thing that people have come to expect is me being frank about mental health and saying it how it is and that’s what I need to continue doing. Even if no one at all reads what I write if it’s a process that helps me then it’s worth it’s weight in gold.

So I’m hoping to be here more often, to be more present and I hope to start sharing more again and also to help who I can along the way. I’m not well enough yet to start my talks up again but it’s very much something I want to do again and would be keen to know if it’s something you would like to attend. Let me know in the comments.

Anyway, I wish you a happy Weekend and hope you’ve had a good start to 2020. Sending you love, light and sharing with you some of my family sized bar of Galaxy.

Lucy xxx

An October review…….

October is one of those months where I tend to have a bit of a review. My birthday is this month and I think as it approaches every year it makes me evaluate where I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve achieved over the last year.

When I thought about it quickly I thought that this year hasn’t been one full of great things and huge achievements but then I thought again. This year I have focussed more on me than I have for a long time. I have had the at times uncomfortable realisations of who I am, what I’m about and what I need to let go of. I have dare I say it become more happy. I have allowed myself to be who I am in ways that I would have feared to in the past. Worries about being mocked or treated differently I haven’t allowed to plague my thoughts like I used to and I am for the first time in a long time  in a position where I can say that the people I have around me understand and embrace me for me no matter what. Not you Mum, you’ve been doing that for almost thirty five years now!

No matter what is a big statement. No matter what is in good times or bad, when I have had successes or failures. When I’ve made good decisions or hideously awful ones. There really is a huge amount of truth in the saying ‘find your tribe’ and when you do you need to hold on to those people with all you have.

I have talked about my mental health more this year and I feel with more authority. I am on a journey that evolves on a daily basis and it’s a journey that I am at peace with as opposed to fighting against. I have made the decision to come off my antidepressants and to take more control in other ways over my mental health. I have started small practices to help me on a daily basis that are becoming habits. I write down how I feel, I meditate, I read more and I am more realistic with myself.

I have put on about two stone and I’m currently wearing a size eighteen. This is a big thing for me to tell you but after all the peanut m&m’s and those yummy Ikea biscuits I am hardly surprised but for once in my life I am being kind to myself. I have realised that limiting myself is a way I used to self harm in the past and denying myself nice things as some strange way of punishing myself did nothing other than make me miserable. I have cut down on alcohol and started running again (slowly and with a very interesting style but still) I have realised that I am meant to have big boobs and they need to be comfortable so I’ve started buying my bras at Victoria’s secrets because they don’t only make sexy, tiny underwear but they make the most comfortable bras I have ever worn. They are expensive and I only buy them in the sale because that’s what I can afford to do but it feels good to be looking after myself and taking pride in doing so.

I see the beauty in having no plans, in living simply and taking each day as it comes. I love to see friends and walk around taking pictures even if it is somewhere we have taken a million pictures of before. I have realised I like yoga and just because I am not as bendy as most people doesn’t mean I can’t do a downward facing dog as well as the next person.

We have made a small house into a big house and have taken pride in doing so. It’s been a massive lesson for us as a family and a couple but it has bought us closer together and bought pure joy. I look forward to getting the garden finished and starting my flower garden and the thought of cutting flowers I have grown myself next year to display in my home brings a huge grin to my face.

I have realised that there are so many things in this life that are so much more important that I ever thought. Sitting with my parents over a cup of tea talking about the birds, seeing my boys play with their friends, listening to the boys read, eating cake with Karl, taking my mum out and treating her like she deserves to be treated and laughing with my friends. These things are priceless, these moments to be made memories that I can cherish forever.

I want to continue to write and talk about mental health. I want to help people, to give blood (once and counting) to explore more creative pursuits, to spend more time with the people I love and to see them go from strength to strength. I hope that when  I write this post next year it will be another year of little things that have added up to massive things when I will be meeting another year older as a welcome friend full of excitement and promise.

Thanks as always for reading, for listening, for being here and being you. You have no idea how much each and every one of you that has taken the time to email, comment on my social media, hit the like button and talk to me about my blog and writing have helped me this year. You are amazing and I hope you never forget it.

Lucy xxx

S**t, I am actually a grown up…….

There are moments in all of our lives that cause us to stop and have realisations about who we are as people. I have experienced these moments like many others at key points in my life such as when I got married, bought a house, had the boys etc. These things all made me realise that I am growing up, maturing and becoming an actual adult.

You then seem to forget all that and just get on with it and find the days and weeks flying by before the next realisation hits you. This last couple of weeks I think I have felt the most grown up I ever have. For so long now we have planned on extending our house. We have had no idea what we are doing and yet have slowly managed to get plans, permissions, quotes, surveys and all manner of other building type terms that I can’t recall.

We found our builder and work was scheduled to start in Spring which at the time seemed like a million years away. Fast forward what seems like twelve minutes and all of a sudden Spring was here (well ish, stupid snow) and it was time to begin. You can imagine that we were as usual ill prepared so spent a week clearing out the old, damp conservatory which we filled with essentials such as the tumble dryer, toys, unwanted furniture from my many moves around and of course wine. Trouble is all of that needed to go somewhere so we then had to make space, recycle, condense and move everything out. My best idea was that I would be a great help by drinking all the wine. Karl didn’t seem as enthusiastic about this as I was though. Odd.

Anyway we managed it and Day one arrived. Armed with rolls, 7000 tea bags, bacon, biscuits and our most smiling faces the builders arrived and the conservatory was no more in less than half a day. We then had the start of this week where the actual build bit commenced. The trouble was I was on lates and Karl was on early shifts which meant solo parenting for the one of us who was home and all the ordinary responsibilities as well as dealing with the build.

Now I imagine you are thinking, hold on Luce, you aren’t building the place yourself and the answer is no I’m not. I would be awful at building and we would end up with a big mess. I was however the grown up here to make decisions. Decisions about patios, measurements and to answer questions about topics I know nothing about like coving, mud and trenches. I was in consultation with Karl but I really didn’t like the pressure.

On day one all went well, I got the kids to school with no massive issues, had a shower and got dressed before the builders arrived so there were no awkward flashing moments, did all the washing up, cleaned the kitchen, made bacon rolls, cups of tea and bought a biscuit tin which I filled with chocolate digestives for their elevenses. I did however do the kitchen jobs dancing to Dua Lipa who was playing loudly on my IPod and it was only when I went outside to deliver said bacon rolls I realised I could be seen dancing in only the way I can. So perhaps not such an accomplished grown up after all! We also shouldn’t mention when the builder turned up and told me that he was pleased the delivery had arrived and I told him we hadn’t had any deliveries and then for him to point at the giant digger that someone had parked on my driveway without me seeing or hearing. As if we do mention it I come across very badly!

Under the floorboards in the old conservatory we found a copy of the News of the World from June 1966 which although discoloured is in perfectly good condition. We also found a message etched into the concrete from the owner of the house before us who moved in with his wife when the house was built in the sixties, raised a family here and then sold the house to us I think to go and live with family who could care for him after his wife died.

I thought for a moment that he would probably be sad with the changes we are making but then it occurred to me that we like him are raising a family. A family that consists of two boys who eat anything and grow it seems at lightening speed.

Today being my first day off this week it has been nice to just watch how the builders are getting on, to take in the new and to let it hit me that I am a grown up. A dancing around the kitchen, awfully organised, do it all by the skin of my teeth grown up. I did get to work yesterday and after about an hour realise that I hadn’t done up the zip on my ankle boots but I’m chalking that down to tiredness!

Being grown up is an incredibly scary thing, it’s pressured, it comes with bumps in the road (or in our case storm drain pipes where the footings should be) and it tests you and your limits. It’s also amazing as you can be in charge of your own destiny, you can provide for the people you love and you can make positive decisions for their benefit. In this case the boys getting their own rooms so they don’t kill each other.

I have often thought that I would love to go back to my teenage years, to start afresh and not make all the mistakes, to learn the lessons sooner and to appreciate it more. I do though like the idea that 34 year old me is making the memories that one day I can write in the concrete about. Even if I am making them with the addition of some wrestling, screaming children and disagreements with Karl about where the log burner should go.

I will probably bore you to tears with the extension but if you are interested keep checking back for progress. You know there will be some comedy gold moments along the way!

Lucy xxx

Craft with kids, otherwise known as ‘I need a great big drink’……

Hey all, how are we? 

On a day where we are celebrating St George’s day, all the amazing runners in the London Marathon, the anniversary of the death of one of the most famous Britons ever William Shakespeare what am I doing? Clay modelling with Nate!

My mum helps each week with a homework club for some older children in Whitstable and each week she is in charge of the craft project. This always involves an element of planning and often the boys get a glimpse of what fun the children have in store. Mum being who she is can’t say no to the boys so each week at some point we recreate the craft activity of the week with them.

Last week mum had been loaned a book full of craft projects from a friend to decide some upcoming activities. On Friday afternoon when we popped over for a cuppa Nate of course looked at the book and decided that there and then he wanted to make creations with papier-mâché, modelling clay and wood. Now who actually has these things to hand? Massive overtired tantrum ensued (I so needed my wine on Friday night!)

Today Karl has a work football match and had planned to take one of the boys with him. He chose to take Nate because he is the easiest, the most compliant and the one more likely to listen, not set fire to anything or break a bone. However Leo (the fire starter) desperately wanted to go. I tried some bribes but it was no good, Leo wanted to go with Daddy. At one point I think Karl nearly had a tantrum himself but off he went nevertheless.

Nate then declared (I think this was his plan all along) that we could do some of the craft projects from the book. I thought an afternoon walking around a wildlife park or playing on the beach would be on the cards but oh no, we were going to do crafting! Any of you who read my blog or know me will be aware that I’m all for crafting, I love to draw and take on little projects. I however have the patience of a hungry baby and I really struggle with craft and the children.

Still we came round to Nana’s (where the sacred book is) equipped with the heaviest bag of modelling clay in the world and we began. At first Nate wanted Nana to help so I made the tea (something I am quite skilled at) but after making two pencil holders in the shape of funny faces it was time for me to get involved.

Nate chose to make a desert island. Simple, all you need was a large piece of card, some cling film, modelling clay, acrylic paints, some sculpting tools, some sprigs of plants and paint brushes. That’s all! So we began by painting the sea on the card, applying the large clay island, cling film all over for the full sea and wave effect and then modelled a volcano, a beach, a small rowing boat, a whales tail to stick out of the sea and some shark fins. 

Then it was time to paint the clay, Nate wasn’t happy with the traditional colour of blue, red, green or yellow so we set up a mixing station until we were able to create a shade he was totally happy with. He painted not only the island and various accoutrements but also himself, the table cloth and me. 

Mum then appeared with small bits of tree to be placed on and the island was complete! I had managed to survive the carnage and hadn’t had one impatient outburst or felt the need to take it all away. I did however repaint one of the pencil holders after he had left the table as it appeared he had painted it blindfolded. It was actually because he had one eye on the painting and the other on the Horrible Histories William Shakespeare special on the tele. That’s how I know the fact mentioned above not because I am a history expert! 

One day and probably not that long into the future the thought of sitting with his mum and Nana will bring Nate nothing but dread so I am pleased to have had some time to sit and watch the magic little man we made and enjoy his company (even if he was flicking paint at me!) I just hope magic creation number two is behaving for daddy at the football.

Have a great week you lovely people xx