blogging – tiredfromwhitstable

How to check in with your Mental Health – the global pandemic version!

It recently occurred to me that those of us who suffer with our mental health have to regularly ‘check in’ with ourselves in order to see how we are doing, where we are at and what we need to do to keep ourselves well. These check ins often happen in the big moments of high stress, life events and sometimes they can be when it’s too late.

This got me thinking about the world we are living in and how much it is affecting the mental health of people worldwide. Let’s be honest living through a global pandemic is in many ways one of the big things that has directly impacted the lives of pretty much everyone. We have lost people, changed the way we live and there is no end in sight.

The way things are now are being described as the ‘new normal’ and we are being expected to go back to some level of normality all the while navigating unchartered waters, keeping ourselves sane and continuing to be useful as people, parents and to the economy. If that’s not stress inducing I don’t know what is. On the one hand we are being told to still stay at home as often as we can but on the other that we need to be boosting the ever suffering economy. We are to work from home but actually should start going back to offices because town centres are too quiet. We are to wear face masks to shop for essentials because that’s safer but we can go to a pub and sit next to people and not wear a mask and that’s okay.

All these messages are overwhelming, stress inducing and quite frankly it doesn’t surprise me at all that the wellbeing of the nation both adult and child is being affected.

So the crux of it is that I am finding myself needing to perform these ‘check ins’ much more often just to get through the days and keep my mental health in check. It’s so easy to feel anxious and stressed and I think that we all need to consider checking in with ourselves more often.

What is a check in I hear you ask and how can one help me? Well in the big times I mentioned earlier a check in for me would be working out if I needed to seek help, if my physically wellbeing was being affected by my mental state and working out what I could put in place to offer myself support and to move forward through what I was going through. My check ins now are on a slightly smaller scale as they seem to be happening more often due to the ‘new normal’. To give an example I find the supermarket a very stressful place now. I don’t like wearing a mask as they make me feel very anxious. I don’t like the lack of distancing and the way that people seem to be less kind now than before covid. It’s like because we represent a risk to each other we are to avoid each other and that includes small talk and niceties which I find really hard. So after a supermarket trip I check in. I have a note book I can write in to log how I am feeling in the moment which really helps to relieve stress (I don’t always use it but I have it in my bad incase). I give myself a couple of still moments to breathe, regroup and remind myself that it’s not only me who is finding all this tough and it’s okay to feel unsure and scared about it all. I give myself a break and make myself a cuppa and enjoy the small moments more as I realise they give me peace.

Performing these small check ins mean that I am so much more aware of how I am feeling in the moment and I can make decisions for my MH based upon them. So if I’m not feeling great and I work out that being in a busy area where I would have to wear a mask would likely make me feel crappy I plan accordingly to avoid it. I don’t put myself under so much pressure and that really helps. I also tell myself that it’s okay to feel the way I am and by being more aware of the small things I am also taking care of the big things.

You too can check in as often as it is helpful to you. I would recommend doing this at times when you feel like you could be getting stressed, tense or things are getting to you more than they normally would. Taking that time out even if it is just for five minutes will slow your breathing, help you process your thoughts and give you an element of control over how you are feeling. If of course when doing this you realise that actually you are feeling worse than you thought or you are struggling to find ways for yourself to be mindful then it may be time to seek additional help to get you through.

We all have an obligation to keep our mental wellbeing in check because sadly no one will do it for us. This is something I’ve realised through huge amounts of therapy. We have people around us who care about us and will notice and try to help but if we don’t take a personal responsibility to help ourselves by entering into therapy willingly or seeking online advice and resources we will not improve and will continue to struggle even with good support networks around us. In this crazy world full of new things to get used to we each have to take our obligations to ourselves seriously and I hope that this post might have helped you to realise that by performing a small few minute check in with yourself you are actively assisting your mental health and benefitting yourself on a daily basis. Children can check in too and I will be encouraging the boys to do so especially as they go back to school to restrictions and life being very different to how it used to be.

I keep noticing in shops signs that talk about ‘pressure points’ and when you find one needing to stop, take stock of what is happening around you and deciding what you need to do to keep yourself safe in that space. Do you stay there? Do you move to distance from Others? What do you need to do in those pressured moments? You need to check in!

I hope this has made you think about small ways you can help your own mental health through these times and I would love to hear if this has helped you in any way. I also want to say that it’s totally okay to not being coping well or to be feeling low or anxious with the world and life right now. There are places that can help and if you need additional support you can find it online through mental health charities such as Mind and the Time to Change Campaign. You can also self refer to talking therapies in your area without a GP appointment and if you search talking therapies in your area on Google you can fill in an online form.

Keep doing those small things whatever they may be to keep your head above water. Gardening, exercise, fresh air, colouring, gaming, photography, cooking or whatever it may be they are not just hobbies they are therapy in its simplest form. They are the endorphin producing activities that make you smile and lift your spirits. Never feel bad for making time for them.

Take care of you, keep in touch if you need to and remember the next time you see one of those pressure point signs in a shop to check in with yourself! Lots of love, Lucy xxx

Pressing flowers – A guide

I’ve been talking quite a bit recently about my newly found love of pressing flowers. It’s not really newly found as I remember the sheer delight when I was younger of opening up my mums flower press and seeing all the beautifully preserved delights inside and I got a press a few years ago that I had popped a few bits and bobs into and then promptly forgot about them.

It’s no secret that flowers are some of my favourite things and I will happily spend as much time as I can looking at them, taking pictures of them and arranging them around my home. My mum and I were meant to be going to the Chelsea Flower Show next week for the very first time (for me) and I’m so sad I won’t get to go along. I definitely plan on going next year (as long as Corona is under control!)

So about a month ago and in full lockdown decluttering mode I found my flower press. I opened it up and found a beautifully preserved chrysanthemum, some Japanese anemones and a couple of daisies. I felt sad there that it was so empty so decided to remedy this. I gathered some blossom from the garden and carefully positioned the flowers on the plotting paper and excitedly placed another sheet on the top and encased them in card before screwing shut the flower press excited to check on the results.

I was really disciplined and patient (not like me at all) and waited a whole week to open up the press again and like a child opening a present peeled the blotting paper apart to see the results. I was so very happy with what I found.

The flowers had been beautifully preserved and yet still were scented. The details were beautiful and I was so chuffed I had come across the flower press again. It gave me an idea of using pressed flowers to make Christmas presents as I like to make homemade gifts and think it offers a really personal touch. So I decided that I would press more flowers to see which ones worked best and make some prototypes with Christmas gifts in mind.

We are really lucky that the walk we have been doing in the lockdown is full of all manner of wild flowers. Many which are classed as weeds but it occurred to me that actually they were abundant and were delicate enough that they would work well in the press. You have to be careful of course as some wild flowers are poisonous or shouldn’t be picked but things such as buttercups and cow parsley are plentiful at the moment and as so many see them as weeds (not me, I think they are lovely) I picked some on our walk to press and was very keen to see the results.

I wasn’t disappointed. The cow parsley in particular presses really well and I was in a position to make my first gift. I decided that tea light holders would be a great place to start and found a glass jar that I had that had previously housed paper clips. The idea that by sticking pressed flowers around the outside that when the candle light is glowing inside it will shine through the pressed blooms. I used PVA glue and had to be very careful as the flowers are ever so delicate when pressed and got to work at gluing my flowers to the jar.

I was really chuffed with myself until I went to put a tea light into the jar and realised it was just too small for one to fit in! Epic fail! However it showed how the idea worked in theory and even just as a little vase it turned out really well and I think you will agree it’s very pretty. I thought that you could also use them in glass hanging frames or on paper mache bowls. The possibilities are endless!

So as I have continued with project press all the flowers I shared some pictures to my Instagram account and received some lovely comments and lots of questions about the best way to press flowers. I quickly filled up my one small press so decided to order another and write a blog post about how I use the press and the flowers I have found that work best.

You don’t need to buy a press at all. I have used thick books in the past and put the flowers between the pages. I did though often forget which books had flowers in and spent an awful long time once hunting for a four leaf clover that I knew was in one of the many books I own I just couldn’t remember which one! You can also use pieces of wood and paper and card that you have at home. By using the wood as the top and bottom layer and cutting up squares of card from cardboard boxes and placing paper between the sheets with your flowers in. You would need a weight of some kind to put on top or if you are good with tools you can drill holes for bolts so that the press can be bolted shut to press the flowers. I’ve had lots of questions about the best paper to use also. Blotting paper I have found is best but it’s more expensive. However it can be reused so has some value for the money. You can use regular paper or kitchen towel. I found regular paper was okay but as the flowers give off moisture while being pressed the flowers tended to get stuck to normal paper a bit more so you have to be that bit more careful when you remove them from the press.

My newest press came from Amazon and was £16. It came with the wooden press, bolts, seven sheets of card and twelve sheets of blotting paper included which I thought was good value for money. There are lots of presses available and the prices differ so I am not recommending a particular one. Have a look and see what suits you best.

This new one has six bolt holes and you thread the bolts through before you start pressing so you don’t risk losing flowers after you start putting them in place on the paper. You lay out a sheet of card and on top of that a sheet of blotting paper. On top of the paper as above you can lay your flowers out. You need to remember that they will spread out as they flatten and that they will also give out moisture so you need to give a little room between each flower so that they don’t get stuck together as they are pressed. Once the flowers are laid out you need to pop carefully another sheet of blotting paper on top and then another piece of card on top of that. This layer system is the same as you fill up the press with layers of card between each ‘bundle’ of blotting paper. When you are ready you place the wooden top over all of the cardboard and thread the bolts through the holes. You then use the wingnuts (provided with the press) and twirl them onto the bolts. These then get tightened so that the press is pushing onto the flowers and the magic can begin. You have to be careful not to do it up too tight as it can make the wood buckle and the press won’t be so effective.

This new press came with bare wood for you to decorate however you like. I have used sharpies to personalise mine but you could paint it, use stickers or decoupage as you fancy. You then need to be patient and wait for the press to do its thing. I am awful with being patient and usually only manage about three days before I have a peep. About a week is best for small flowers and you will have some lovely pressed blooms ready for you when you open up the press.

These flowers are on about day four and are well on their way but not quite ready.

These are more than a week pressed and you can see how lovely the result is. I would say that the best flowers I have found are generally flat to start with. You can press thicker flowers but the finished result isn’t quite as well defined and they take much longer to dry. Small flowers are working best for me and anything that is delicate seem to give great results. Cow parsley, forget me nots, daisies, buttercups, blossom, hydrangea flowers, lavender and lots of grasses are working really well and give very pretty results. I have tried some purple salsify this week which is a wild flower a bit larger in size and although pretty the results as you can see aren’t quite as lovely as the smaller more delicate blooms.

You can see on this image also the way that the blotting paper absorbs moisture from the flowers. I would also say that a top top is to add additional layers to your press by using the card box idea. I have added four layers to my old press by cutting A4 sized card to use as additional layers. It’s the same as the card in the flower press anyway and we all have boxes that can be reused for this purpose.

The thing I love about pressing flowers is that there is no right or wrong it’s all about trial and error. You can try any kind of flowers you like and as long as you have patience will see some lovely results. I think I am loving the small delicate blooms because they press quicker but there will be larger flowers that I will explore as time goes on. You don’t have to spend a fortune on flowers and can forage some beauties for free. Please don’t though pick from peoples gardens or from floral displays. You won’t be popular and when there are so many lovely wild flowers around you really shouldn’t need to!

It’s also a fab activity to do with little people. I have boys as you know but they have both started suggesting flowers they think we should try and press and have picked some cow parsley with me to press this week. In these times of home schooling you can make some great artwork with pressed flowers and also examining them under a magnifying glass is a great activity too.

Pressed flowers are also being used in decoration and if you are an Escape to the Chateau fan there is a fab episode where Angel presses large flowers from their walled garden to use on the walls in the Potagerie suite in the chateau. The results are beautiful. Although I don’t have a chateau (I want one) or a walled garden (I want one) I love that I am doing similar on a smaller scale. I would love it more though if I did have a chateau so if anyone knows of any going cheap give me a yell!

I hope this has been a useful guide. I would love if you have any questions or are going to give it a try yourself for you to get in touch. I will also update as I do more pressed flower crafts to give some ideas of what you can do with your pressed flower treasures.

Take care, Lucy xxx

Hello to 2020…..

I’ve just realised that last year I wrote a total of five blog posts. Five. For someone who has so much on her mind all of the time I managed to write five times in the year. That makes me disappointed in myself as I know that my mental health is improved by writing and sharing how I am feeling here.

I have written in the past about many different things, mental health (of course!) the boys, life, reviews, things we’ve done as a family and much more but I find myself relatively uninspired nowadays. Not because I don’t do the things I used to but life has changed considerably since I started my blog and I have had to change how I do things around it.

My work for example has very much taken over in the last year. I put my heart and soul into bettering myself there and succeeded which was a huge thing for me and something I’m very proud of. It did mean however that I spent less time taking pictures and writing and more time with my head in books and learning.

We have as a family grown as people and I have been learning about myself as a mum and how to deal with many of the challenges that being a parent throws at you. I’ve not really been successful in dealing with these challenges however I have certainly learned a lot!

I think that overwhelm took over in the latter part of the year and I was actually quite ill again mental health wise. I ended up taking Leo to the dr and having the GP asking to see me on my own as she was concerned I seemed so low. Earlier this year I left the GP in tears clutching a prescription for antidepressants feeling like a failure and that I was letting everyone down. After the successes around work and the high that bought I felt like I was being ungrateful and I struggled to process that I had achieved things I had wanted and yet felt more miserable than I had in a long time.

Exhaustion and mental health attract each other like metal and magnets and sadly you can end up in a massive spiral where you don’t only get the mental health side effects like being low, anxious, tearful, suddenly angry, struggling to sleep etc but also physical ones like aches and pains, spots, dull hair, dry skin and many others. The worse you feel the more you don’t know how to deal with it and before you know it you can end up like I did and feeling like you’ve let yourself go, you could sleep for a year and are sick of yourself crying let alone feeling like the people around you are sick of you too!

I do the classic also and set myself up to fail thinking things like ‘I’m going to diet and lose loads of weight’, ‘I’m going to run every day’, ‘I’m going to start taking better care of my skin and use products every day’ and ‘I will not eat chocolate ever again’ and then feel like utter shit when I remember I’ve done none of these things while sat in bed eating a family sized bar of galaxy with my Buddha belly popping out of my PJ’s.

We also see images on a daily basis of people appearing to have it all sorted. Women who are beautifully made up with gorgeous clothes, time to work out, lovely figures and happy looking children getting it right everyday. Of course this is not real life and I am acutely aware of this but that doesn’t mean that once in a while I wouldn’t like to appear like one of those women who has it together as opposed to getting there by the skin of my teeth and looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards!

Anyway I’ve massively digressed. As I usually do! I am not taking the antidepressants i was prescribed as I discussed it with my counsellor who could see how effected I was by the thought of being on them again. I’m such a big believer in them and they have a place for anyone who needs them but it just didn’t feel like it was right for me when I had made a conscious decision to come off my old ones and to use more natural tools to cope because of the side effects I was having. I didn’t want to go through the side effects being back on them and as it often gets worse before it gets better I was scared to let myself go lower as I didn’t know I had that much room for dropping without hitting rock bottom. I’m pleased with that decision and as the weeks have passed even though I’m still struggling things are getting brighter and I’m using some of the tools I had tried and tested before but had lost in the spiral of exhaustion and anxiety.

The fact that I’m here and writing something even if it is a load of rambling on I’m seeing as a really good thing. I also think that in all of the posts I’ve written the thing that pulls them together is me and the thing that people have come to expect is me being frank about mental health and saying it how it is and that’s what I need to continue doing. Even if no one at all reads what I write if it’s a process that helps me then it’s worth it’s weight in gold.

So I’m hoping to be here more often, to be more present and I hope to start sharing more again and also to help who I can along the way. I’m not well enough yet to start my talks up again but it’s very much something I want to do again and would be keen to know if it’s something you would like to attend. Let me know in the comments.

Anyway, I wish you a happy Weekend and hope you’ve had a good start to 2020. Sending you love, light and sharing with you some of my family sized bar of Galaxy.

Lucy xxx

Some things you need to know about mental health……

Long time no speak lovely friends. How are you?

I am writing this to you on World Mental Health Day. A day which I hold very dear in my heart. I speak to people most days about mental health in some capacity. Sometimes not the big stuff but just the little things that in the mind of someone who is low become the massive things that stand in the way of getting through the day. Those things that feel like you are carrying around an invisible weight and no matter how many things you put down you just can’t get away from.

It occurred to me only yesterday that more and more often lately I’ve been talking to people who are living with those who are really struggling with poor mental health and are themselves struggling to understand their place in it all and how they can help their loved ones. How hard is that? I’ve often said how much I respect Karl for sticking by me at my darkest times and not giving up on me which I’m sure sometimes would have been the easier thing to do.

So for today a blog about some of the ways in which those who have mental health issues suffer seemed like a good idea. To aid understanding and to add some clarity to why sometimes we do and say the things we do.

I often get the classic ‘but you always seem happy’ and yes I often do. After many years you find a way of smiling through it much of the time. Often of course I am happy. MH sufferers don’t always feel low and anxious all of the time and like anyone else suffering with a medical issue our symptoms come and go. I’ve got a good network around me and there are people who I know I can talk to if I’m getting low or my anxiety starts to take over. This makes me feel safe. If someone with poor MH doesn’t want to confide in you don’t be offended. Sometimes we don’t know why or how we are feeling the way we are so putting it into words can be hard and it’s easier to do that with the people who know us really well.

I have heard many times also that people with poor MH are anti social. This is a very interesting point and actually on reflection I get why people could think this. But it’s not actually true. I am a social person. I like to go out, meet people, see friends and family and all the ‘normal’ things we love in life however I also go through times when I can’t be around people. This is totally about me and usually nothing to do with them. It’s all about my inner voice. I’ve written about it before. Some days crippling anxiety and self esteem issues mean that day to day things are like climbing mountains. I feel worthless, abhorrent and every insecurity I’ve ever had starts shouting at me from inside my own head. To give an example of what this looks like for me the school run is a particularly tough one. If I’m feeling this way and in a low point I don’t want to see people as I worry they will judge how I look, won’t understand why I’m feeling the way I am and will in general think I’m a horrible person. This is I know mostly ridiculous but it’s a genuine fear so I park in obscure places, I avoid the high street where I’m more likely to bump into people, I use the alleyways that weave to the boys school and keep my head down in the play ground. Seems massively antisocial doesn’t it but look closely and you would see me picking my nails, fiddling with my zip and shuffling uncomfortably on my feet. It’s not antisocial it’s self preservation.

Similarly people who suffer often don’t want to do things because they simply don’t feel up to them. It’s really easy to say yes to social events, work engagements and all manner of other things but when that time comes you aren’t in the right frame of mind, you are so low that even getting washed to go out seems too much, you don’t want to face people and you worry that you won’t be wanted or great company when you do get there. You often find that when you cancel plans a couple of times people stop asking you. It’s happened to me. It doesn’t feel great but I guess it’s easier than the worry that comes with feeling you have to cancel and people getting angry with you.

As a blogger I have to walk a very fine line with my mental health and going along to things that put me massively out of my comfort zone. I always feel like I’ve been asked to some of the events I have been by mistake and when I get there they will ask me to leave or that I will be too fat, too ugly and a disappointment to the other people who go. I try and go to these things as often as I feel able though as some of the people I have met through them are the people who get me most and will understand if I’m an anxious mess when I get there.

We as human beings want to fix things, we want to help people and offer solutions to problems which in most things work. However mental health can be so tricky on this score. If one of your loved ones is suffering you want to have that magic wand to wave and to make it all better but sadly you can’t. You can though just be there for them. Ask them what you can do. For me it’s often a hug, a cup of tea and just sitting with me. Allowing me the space to feel what I’m feeling and making sure I am safe. Letting me know I can talk if I want to but that I don’t have to. Not talking at me and telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for suffering at that time.

Mental health sufferers don’t want to be a burden, we don’t want to be difficult to live with and we know that on some days we can be that bit harder to love. But we also haven’t chosen to be this way. We are on our own journey and we appreciate all you do for us while we are dealing with it.

I think my main message here is not to make assumptions about people with mental health problems. We don’t all follow a set pattern, we don’t always know how to explain how we are feeling or the things we do and we certainly don’t want to be treated like we are a burden or a pain. You wouldn’t treat someone with a broken leg like they are a burden or a pain so why should we be treated like that because we suffer from depression or another MH issue. Most of us would rather that you ask questions than shy away from us and understand that sometimes we need that extra bit of space.

I hope that this may have helped to give a bit of an insight into how mental health can effect people. There are so many more things I could write and so many examples I could give of how I’ve been treated as a mental health sufferer both good and bad.

If you don’t feel you can talk to someone who is suffering the many online resources can offer insights and help. Particularly if you feel that person may be a risk to themselves or others.

To all my fellow sufferers keep going, you are amazing, you are loved and you are so very important. To all those who are caring for and dealing with loved ones with mental health problems keep going, you are loved and you too are so very important.

Much love,

Lucy xxx

Getting what you want and still being unhappy about it…..

I know what you are thinking…… what an ungrateful title and it’s true. Getting what you want and what you’ve worked hard for is the most amazing feeling in the world and yet for so many of us it is also so hard to deal with and negotiate. The feelings can be overwhelming, all encompassing and actually can have a detrimental effect on our wellbeing. I don’t think this lasts forever but that it is our minds way of adapting to what are often significant changes in our lives.

I imagine many people wouldn’t get that in the mind of someone who suffers with their mental health they can be happy and have nothing but good things going on and yet still feel utterly lost. Life is such a rollercoaster in so many ways and I feel like many of us are just more susceptible than others to be affected by each and every twist and turn.

I am of course mostly talking about my own life, this last year has been full on, stressful and demanding. I’ve had some victories which I have been so happy about and the changes that follow them have been ones that have not always been on my own timeline and that’s something I’ve always found hard.

Coming off my antidepressants is something I have written about here often. We are at the year mark now and as much as I ‘m happy to be medication free I am also disappointed that one of the main reasons I came off them was because of physical side effects which actually haven’t gone away. I have always been someone who in my struggles has been more depressed that anxious though the two are always present however anxiety seems to be my main issue now and to the point where it is having physical side effects which are causing me some considerable issues.

There is of course an argument to go back onto some form of medication and that’s what most people I discuss this with say to me. At the moment it’s not a route I want to take and I am for now managing myself using other methods that I have learned through my years of therapy and the many books I have made myself read on the subject. That doesn’t make it easy though. Medication doesn’t make it easy, there are no magical cures and no quick fixes to help us deal with life and how our brains process it. In fact I have considered maybe I was naïve and thought that coming off my tablets and being chemical free would somehow make everything better. I realise reading back what I wrote at the time and six months tablet free that I wasn’t but I do think that I was happy to blame the tablets for all the physical issues I was having when in fact it seems like they didn’t really have much bearing on it at all.

Lately I have found that lots of things that used to bring me joy I haven’t had time for or haven’t been able to include in life as much as I’d like. Time then moves on and you fill it with the other things that are more ‘important’ and all of a sudden find that those joyful things have taken a backseat and that you are affected by them not being there anymore. I am sure this is one of the reasons why I am not so happy at the moment and finding that things that should be making me smile aren’t. Reading is one of those things, I love to read and find myself in a world that is totally unlike my own, to get lost in the tales of others, in love stories and fantasy worlds and to have some escapism from the real world. Alas, there is a giant pile of books I haven’t got through, my concentration is so lacking and I’m always so tired that I just can’t manage to read. I have recently got through one book, ‘Circe’ by Madeline Miller which took me back to A Level Lucy who studied Classics and lapped up all the history of Greek Mythology. I enjoyed reading it but felt guilty for taking the time to do so.

I used to run and savour exercise but again I just don’t feel like there is time at the moment. Of course there would be if I made time for it but that would have to be at the detriment of something else and the Lucy I am at the moment who finds more joy in a sharing bag of Doritoes than in trying to fit into running gear is scared of being judged for being bigger than I have been in a long time and for not being very good at it anymore. I still love going on my walks but I tend to go at times when it’s very quiet and I feel like I can be myself and not have to see people.

I was talking to a friend who is very similar to me with her mental health. She has recently been able to make some changes in her life which are amazingly positive and make a huge difference to her wellbeing but now that she has done it she is worrying about other things. We both cursed our brains for not allowing us to just be happy for ourselves and instead to revert to the default position of worrying and not letting our minds rest.

I think with me and the position I find myself in now is that the anxiety I am having about all manners of life is something I need to get in control as I can’t be happy and content all the while I am worrying about every tiny detail, not getting any sleep and not saying no to things I can’t sustain because I feel like I will be judged for saying no. This is an ongoing journey and having referred myself back for more CBT (three months on the waiting list and counting) it’s one I hope to deal with and manage in order for my life to be on an even keel again.

I get that this post is probably massively depressing but it really isn’t meant to be. I think it’s me saying you know what its okay to have loads of amazing things going on and still feel like you haven’t quite found your feet, its okay to not feel confident all the time and its definitely okay to start over on a journey even if its one you’ve undertaken before.

I am grateful for all of the huge blessings I have in my life. I am grateful that I’ve become who I am from where I was three years ago when I started this blog and undertook some of the toughest times of my life. I am blessed in so many ways and I just need to get my brain in check to recognise that just because I am blessed doesn’t mean its not okay to always be happy. To recognise that I am who I am and that I will always feel everything and often harder than others do. I am a work in progress every single day and at the moment I need to see that the work on me is what is desperately needing to be done as opposed to prioritising other things that will still be there when I’ve sorted my ever worrying, never switching off brain.

So if you like me are up every night with insomnia, suffering with constant thoughts of not being good enough or not being able to cope, the dizziness and shaking that anxiety brings and the tears that come from no where then please know, you will be okay, you need some help and that’s absolutely fine. You can push pause and you have places you can look for help. You may also benefit from telling someone and reminding yourself of the things that bring you joy. The things your brain may have allowed you to push out you can make time for and the people around you will respect and understand that.

Much love, Lucy xxx

Progress….. schmogress

Progress. It’s a word I hear constantly covering all manner of subjects. In the dictionary it’s defined as ‘moving toward an improved or more developed state or to a forward position’. In short I feel it seems you aren’t anybody anymore unless you are making progress.

We all know the world we live in is so very pressured and that stress levels are through the roof for many people. We are constantly looking to improve everything, to have nicer homes, better jobs, more money, to lose weight, to exercise more, to save the planet, to raise well rounded children and so many more I could list. The trouble is though so many of us are pressured toward progress before we’ve even managed to feel like we’ve mastered the thing we are doing now.

I write and talk about mental health as so many of you know and it feels a bit at times like people are more interested in progress than how they are feeling at that moment in time. I often have conversations with people who will say they are having therapy and instead of saying that it’s helping them they feel the need to say how many sessions in they are and how far away they think they are from no longer needing that kind of therapy. Of course feeling like you can move on from a kind of therapy as you’ve received a benefit and need to put it into practice is an amazing thing but it’s also amazing to be receiving therapy and knowing it’s what you need even if you don’t see an end in sight or feel that you are progressing as quickly as you should.

We are measuring progress using other people’s tape measures and that can be a very dangerous thing. One persons ability to deal with trauma is very different to the next and the constant pursuit of progress means that some are left feeling crappy because they haven’t been able to move away from something as quickly as someone else.

In a world where we are trying to encourage individuality and self awareness pressuring people into thinking they have to progress at the same rate as others is I feel damaging and actually could hinder the progress being made. Yet we are still doing it. We allow ourselves to be pressured into thinking that we have to do it in the same way and at the same pace as everyone else and for someone with mental health issues that is a very dangerous thing.

I was having a discussion with someone this week about something that was worrying me and has been worrying me for sometime. The person trying to be supportive said to me that I didn’t need to still be worrying about that and it was time I let it go. That person was totally right. I 100% agreed with them however you try telling the brain of a mental health sufferer that. Not only will their brain do whatever it wants to do (in my case worry) but it will also add additional pressure because then I started to worry about why I was still worrying because I should clearly be over it as other people would have dealt with it by now.

Progress is clearly a wonderful thing which makes people strive for better and improving oneself and your position is something we have all done and will all continue to do. I just wonder if we are missing out on being where we are at for a while. Working out whether we are happy in the position we are in and actually whether we don’t want to push for progress at this time. If you have a small home that you can afford, you adore and makes you happy why should you feel pressured to buy a bigger one? If you are happy in the job role you are in then why should you feel like you need to chase something that pays more if you don’t need to? If you are suffering with your mental health and need some space in that moment to decide what to do next as opposed to embarking on a therapy you might not be sure about well that’s okay and we shouldn’t feel pressured to do otherwise. In times of crisis I agree things may be a little different though.

I think the message I’m trying to get across here is that where you are is where you are and that’s totally okay. You don’t have to be in the throws of improving everything all the time. It’s okay to just be and regroup. Of course there will be times that progress is at the forefront of your mind and that’s totally okay too. Be who you are as after all that is your super power.

Much love, Lucy xxx

Male mental health by me a woman…..

Recently I used Instagram stories to ask the people that follow me what they would like me to write about. I sometimes find myself stuck in a blog type rut and I thought that would be a really good way of giving me some inspiration. Interestingly one of the most suggested topics was male mental health.

Now I’m obviously missing one of the most essential things you need to be a male (I am, promise!) and therefore a male perspective of mental health is not something I can easily give. However I keep coming back to the topic and thought about how it should be one I tackle. I may be a woman but I am raising boys. I would be very naive if I didn’t realise that at some point I would have to tackle how mental health effects men in my role as a wife and mother. On reflection this has already started. As a girl who grew up with a sister, went to an all girls school and whose Dad often worked away for long periods of time I was massively lacking knowledge in the world of all things male. Having had boys and watching them grow I now realise that many of the issues I used to think were female specific are in fact affecting both genders.

My sons who are seven and nine are already dealing with pressures that life and in particularly school throw at them. Not having the right trainers, not being allowed a mobile phone (at this age!) not having the right haircut, not playing the right video games and the list goes on and on. I have seen the anguish in their faces when we discuss these topics and I see clearly that to them these pressures cause considerable worry when trying to please their peers and not be made fun of. The funny thing is of course that most of us as grown ups have learned the lesson that being who we are is how we become the most beautiful version of ourselves and that one persons cool is another persons embarrassment. Take me and my flowers for example. I’ve mentioned before I’m often mocked because I love flowers and would happily spend hours arranging them but to me watching a football match would be an absolute bore.

Trying to get two little people trying to find their way in a fast paced world where everyone seems to grow up faster by the year though is of course tough and we try and toss up what is important to them alongside doing our best to encourage their own unique personalities. I can see from this young age why mental health issues such as anxiety play such a big part in so many male lives. To be so very concerned about all these things from such a young age is a huge burden to bear. I have always been honest with the boys about my own issues and as such I think we are a very aware family about mental health and the many ways it can effect us. The boys are both used to talking about how they feel and they know that if there is an issue it’s really important to find a way to express it as it allows them to look at the problem in a different way and not be consumed by it. We are far from perfect but I’m so very aware that I don’t want the boys to have the crippling issues I’ve had to deal with all my adult life and if I can help in anyway to give them some tools to deal with whatever issues arise I will.

When you look at the statistics surrounding men and mental health it’s quite staggering. Male suicide figures show that many more men commit suicide than women and it’s the same across the whole world. There are news stories often about young men in particular who have taken their own lives for many different reasons. I can’t describe the sadness I feel when read about and think about this. Why is it seen as more acceptable for a woman to seek help, to talk about her issues or to say openly ‘I suffer with my mental health’? I don’t know the answer to the question, whatever it is it’s wrong. Men and women who are so equal in so many ways now (I appreciate there are still some differences but I’m not here to discuss gender pay gaps etc) should both be able to seek help for their mental health in the same way for whatever reason they need to without fear of judgement or being seen as any less manly.

The idea that boys have to be tough and not have feelings is something that has been turned on it’s head in many societies however I understand and see that there is still a huge pressure in this area. It must be a huge conflict for a man who is suffering if he feels he always has to be strong and can’t show weakness. I can only look at my own journey here and mention my own experiences which is that by admitting and dealing with my demons not only am I stronger but I realise how just how brave I can be. You have to start though and as so many of us know that very first step is often the hardest and loneliest one we will ever take.

The boys have always loved the music of Avicii, as have I and this is where they get it from. I remember them singing along in the car as toddlers to his song ‘wake me up’ and there aren’t many days that go by where we don’t listen to his music. For those who don’t know who he is Avicii was a Swedish musician who mostly made dance music. His real name was Tim Bergling and he was born in 1989 six years after me. He had phenomenal success with his music which although is based on dance covered many genres making it all the more popular. I remember years ago reading a piece about his extreme social anxiety and how he found it so hard performing at concerts as he focussed on how it could all go wrong and couldn’t cope. He self medicated with alcohol and got to a point where he had made himself so ill he was hospitalised. In 2016 he stopped touring after an addiction to prescription painkillers and him realising he needed to make changes in his life.

It’s hard to imagine someone at the peak of a successful career suffering so massively with their mental health. Being rich, famous and successful are things that many ‘normal’ people can only wish for. But this is what I have often said here mental health doesn’t discriminate. It touches on the lives of everyone from everywhere and no one can be safe in the knowledge that they will never experience in some way because most of us do. Two years after quitting touring Avicii took his own life. Clearly still in great anguish and unable to escape his demons. The first anniversary of his death is tomorrow the 20th of April, he was 28. I was so very sad when I heard he had died and although they didn’t release the cause of his death straight away I knew what it would be.

The boys and I have had many conversation over the last year about his death. At first I wasn’t sure whether to be honest with them as it’s such a hard hitting subject for a small person but Karl and I discussed it and decided it would be okay to tell them about this huge issue. We have been delicate but the boys know that their favourite pop star felt that he couldn’t continue. We discuss how sad it was that he felt he had no where else to go and places that can help you if you feel that you have no where else to turn. They have asked me questions about whether I have had such thoughts before and what kinds of places where we live can help. They have both spoken numerous times about how hard it is to understand as Avicii was so cool and made ‘the best’ music. It’s been a learning curve for them that sometimes you can have all the cool stuff, be popular and liked but still not be happy. It’s opened dialogue about being who you are and that life is hard no matter what but an awful lot harder if you are trying to please everyone else the whole time. We have also had to cover that some people no matter what aren’t kind and no matter what you do you will never please them!

I have no idea if this is what the people who suggested I write about male mental health had in mind and I’m worried I’ve come no where near doing the job justice but I hope that if you’ve got this far you’ve taken something away from this blog post. If nothing else please listen to some of Avicii’s music and the beautiful words he wrote. There are some amazing places you can look to for help if you are suffering now. You don’t have to feel alone or that there is no where else to turn. You can contact The Samaritans here and the Rethink Mental Illness site here has lots of resources also.

Thanks for reading xxx

Another year in review…… how old am I?!

So…….. we are in that in between Christmas and new year bit for another year. I’m not quite sure how we have got here. I’m quite sure I told this year at the beginning that it wasn’t to fly by like 2017 did and that I needed some time to savour it all.

Apparently I am not in charge of the universe and am sat writing this post in a funny Christmas haze where I’m not sure exactly what the day is and I’m quite sure I don’t need to eat anything for another month at the very least.

I wrote an Instagram post about how I get so full of ideas, hopes and inspirations for the new year that I then get overwhelmed and end up just wanting to sleep and push a massive pause button (if anyone sees one please push it for me!) I’m not sure if this happens to others or whether it’s a part of me with my mental health struggles and whether it makes any sense to others at all. To be a person with low self esteem it can be really hard to make positive changes become effective as you manage to talk yourself out of them before you begin. It’s like a bizarre cycle of having great ideas, writing them down, getting excited about them, telling others who get excited for you and then saying ‘actually no, I’m too useless to do that’ and it all being forgotten. I am much better with this than I used to be but some of my inner critic still plays a massive part in my thought processes at this time of year.

2018 as years go was actually quite a good one. There were some big changes and lots of upheaval but all to good ends. We had our extension built and made our home suit us. We lived through and survived the building works without killing each other and have come to appreciate our home so much more. I have written more about mental health which for me has been a big thing. Not just because of the massive stigma that is still attached to having MH issues but also because laying yourself bare is hard. Reflecting on thoughts and feelings that hurt you or are painful is a difficult process however one which I realise for me is key. I often return to previous things I have written and acknowledge that I have made progress, been able to identify triggers have been able to smile on reflection.

This year I had an idea, an idea which started as a tiny thought in the back of my mind which was watered and eventually after my negative thoughts telling me I couldn’t do it ended up with me telling others and organising my first ‘Talking about Mental Health’ session in January. Since making the event public and the numbers of people confirmed to be attending has gone up I’ve spent a fair amount of time telling myself I’m ridiculous, that how dare someone like me think that I could help anyone and who the fuck am I to think that people might want to listen to me talk about mental health and small ways to cope with it. I’ve written emails out asking to cancel it ( and not sent them) and made numerous excuses in my head as to why it will never work. However I’m not doing that. I’m going to go and talk even if it’s just to my Mum (she is definitely coming!) and I’m going to keep talking. I will talk about mental health wherever anyone will have me. I will write about it, I will spread awareness of it and I will help people. Because my voice is worthy of being heard, my experiences real and I think I can offer something to others.

I would say that this year has become one of awareness for me. I took more time to maintain and improve my mental health because it is a necessity for me. I came off my antidepressants because of the side effects they were having. I made a conscious decision here that I needed to make a change and approached it with an open mind as to whether I would go onto others or not. I wasn’t going to give myself a hard time either way as I believe that if you need them antidepressants are amazing. As I type though I am currently not taking any. I have lots of thoughts about this as I have found the whole process very hard. It was physically and mentally exhausting and has meant I now have to increase my small measures to keep my depression and anxiety in check. If I need to go back on a different kind of antidepressant I will but for now I am on a journey with myself and it feels good to be learning more about me and what my mind needs.

My boys have grown in height and personality. They have been massively challenging and this year has been a tough one for Karl and I as parents. I am blessed and I know that to have children is a privilege denied to many and I take my responsibilities as a parent very seriously. This doesn’t mean though that I am very good at it or that I have any of the answers. I am from a family of mostly girls. I don’t get boys and I often feel sad that lots of their interests we don’t share. I go along with them of course but it’s hard to know that they would always rather talk about cars or minecraft than listen to me talk about some of the things I am interested in. I do though when I look at the bigger picture realise that they are patient with me when I stop to take pictures of flowers or they walk in when I’m doing yoga on YouTube (you should see their faces!) they are also very good at helping with my Instagram pictures and show an interest in what I am doing even if they roll their eyes when I ask them to pose holding a candle!

Boys are tough when they are young so people keep telling me, they test boundaries, struggle with surging testosterone and finding their identity. With only a year age gap and both being keen spirited and strong it makes for interesting times and due to shift work and being on my own a lot it adds to some of the parenting fun but I love the boys more everyday and watching them grow is nothing short of an adventure.

As I do every year I learned a lot about myself in 2018 and grew to appreciate the people I love more and more. There are always hardships in any relationship but I honestly believe that if you can rely on the people you love no matter what you do, have done, your mood or how hard work you are then you have it made. Some of the hardest lessons I have learned is that not everyone will stay in the dark times and actually those people never loved you anyway. You become very wary of those kinds of people and you learn a lot from them (it may not feel like it at the time but it will all be good lessons) I hope that the people around me know that they in turn can rely on me in the same way and that I will fight for those I love when I need to. There simply isn’t time in the world for false friendships and toxic relationships and this I’ve learned over the last couple of years is something I am totally allowed to walk away from. We are all entitled to take things out of our lives that cause hurt or upset and we must never forget it.

I am excited for 2019, to build on the lessons from this year, to host more mental health talks, to become more aware of my own mental health and to help others to do the same. To spend time with the people I love, to smile more, to visit places I have never been and to have a better relationship with my own body. To be kind to me for once instead of filling myself with negative thoughts and to know it’s okay to not be okay all the time and to acknowledge that no one has a perfect life and if they say they do they are lying!

I’ve met some amazing people this last year and can’t wait to spend more time with new friends and meeting some new ones along the way.

I am so grateful to each and everyone of you who reads my blog, who takes the time to say hi, to click like, to follow me here or on my social media and who accept me for who I am. The glorious mess that I am and to not make me feel bad about it. I hope you continue to read in the coming year and that you know how much I appreciate you listening.

Here’s to 2019!

Christmas my way…….

I’m quite sure that I’m not the only one feeling the overwhelm and pressure that comes with the season. I’ve read and seen lots of blogs, Instagram posts and tweets about how to have a slow, simple Christmas and I feel a bit like that comes with its own kind of stress.

It sounds mad doesn’t it that someone like me gets anxious at the thought of a ‘normal’ hectic Christmas but then has the same anxieties about trying to keep things slow and simple and actually knackering myself out trying to slow things down.

I feel that the key for me is pressure. Lots of pressure. Pressure from all manner of different places on how I should conduct my Christmas when actually I need to work out what kind of Christmas I want for me and my family and just go with that.

Like many others I’m all for shopping local (in fact this year I have done most of my shopping from small, independent businesses) however I’m also acutely aware that the vast majority of small, independent shops don’t want my children to break their stock if I dragged them shopping with me. I have to prioritise my time and I don’t want them to feel the pressure I am so we don’t tend to shop at weekends and just spend time doing other things (wrestling and discussing minecraft if the boys have their way)

My point is I have massively good intentions but as a mother I have to plan the season in the way that I feel is best for my family. I simply can’t spend as much time as I would like on things such as making presents or elaborate present wrapping. I will do my best but by the time the boys go to bed and I’ve tidied up I want to collapse in a heap. Often that’s all I do!

It feels almost selfish to put it all to one side and go to bed but I am in such a space of knowing if I overload much more all of the bits will come falling down around me (imagine giant Jenga) and I will end up in a mess that will last well into the new year.

I know I cannot have a totally slow and simple Christmas because that’s not my life. We work shifts, we pass like ships in the night and we have to make the most of every minute together as a family. I have to cram some things in otherwise one of us would miss something and I would rather rush around like a loon and know that I will get to see the boys school play as opposed to missing it. I also know that when I can taking the time to be more relaxed is vital. I need that time when I can lay under a blanket and just be for a bit without having to worry about making salt dough decorations or homemade mince pies.

If I were to sum up this blog post it would be like this. Christmas to me is about love. You do it however feels right for you and your family whether that be a family of friends, close relatives or just your own household. If you get to have a slow and simple Christmas that’s bloody amazing, if it’s a bit frantic and frazzling make some time for you where you can and know that the people around you will love you no matter how much you get done. If you have good intentions to be eco friendly or supporting of small business but haven’t been able to get a grip on this or get out to the high street then that’s okay too. A couple of small things will make a big difference. Ensuring you recycle over the festive period and perhaps ordering a couple of bits online from small businesses ticks those boxes.

We aren’t superhumans, we won’t always get it right nor though does that mean we are getting it wrong. We are doing the best we can with the tools we have and if anyone judges you for that then send them my way. You go through a hell of a lot in a year to be judged on how you decide to spend your time over the Christmas period and how you decide it works best for you.

To that end this year we are having lamb for Christmas dinner and on Boxing Day we are having steak and halloumi fries. We aren’t doing the elf on the shelf nor am I partaking in the Christmas advent calendar making competition at the boys school. I’ve lost no weight on the lead up to fit in my Christmas dress and people will have to lump it.

I am doing what’s right for me and that’s all any of us can do. I am excited for you however you decide to spend your festive season and I look forward to seeing pictures and hearing about it here. I realise this year I can be an anxious mess or I can say I can only do what I can do. I also know that my resolve will at some point soften and that I will need to remind myself of this blog post, my coping tools for times of need and the fact that just because I live with mental health issues it doesn’t mean they need to be any worse over Christmas and no one around me would want them to be.

On that note I’m off to pick the monsters up from school. Wishing you a fab week lovely people xxx

An October review…….

October is one of those months where I tend to have a bit of a review. My birthday is this month and I think as it approaches every year it makes me evaluate where I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve achieved over the last year.

When I thought about it quickly I thought that this year hasn’t been one full of great things and huge achievements but then I thought again. This year I have focussed more on me than I have for a long time. I have had the at times uncomfortable realisations of who I am, what I’m about and what I need to let go of. I have dare I say it become more happy. I have allowed myself to be who I am in ways that I would have feared to in the past. Worries about being mocked or treated differently I haven’t allowed to plague my thoughts like I used to and I am for the first time in a long time in a position where I can say that the people I have around me understand and embrace me for me no matter what. Not you Mum, you’ve been doing that for almost thirty five years now!

No matter what is a big statement. No matter what is in good times or bad, when I have had successes or failures. When I’ve made good decisions or hideously awful ones. There really is a huge amount of truth in the saying ‘find your tribe’ and when you do you need to hold on to those people with all you have.

I have talked about my mental health more this year and I feel with more authority. I am on a journey that evolves on a daily basis and it’s a journey that I am at peace with as opposed to fighting against. I have made the decision to come off my antidepressants and to take more control in other ways over my mental health. I have started small practices to help me on a daily basis that are becoming habits. I write down how I feel, I meditate, I read more and I am more realistic with myself.

I have put on about two stone and I’m currently wearing a size eighteen. This is a big thing for me to tell you but after all the peanut m&m’s and those yummy Ikea biscuits I am hardly surprised but for once in my life I am being kind to myself. I have realised that limiting myself is a way I used to self harm in the past and denying myself nice things as some strange way of punishing myself did nothing other than make me miserable. I have cut down on alcohol and started running again (slowly and with a very interesting style but still) I have realised that I am meant to have big boobs and they need to be comfortable so I’ve started buying my bras at Victoria’s secrets because they don’t only make sexy, tiny underwear but they make the most comfortable bras I have ever worn. They are expensive and I only buy them in the sale because that’s what I can afford to do but it feels good to be looking after myself and taking pride in doing so.

I see the beauty in having no plans, in living simply and taking each day as it comes. I love to see friends and walk around taking pictures even if it is somewhere we have taken a million pictures of before. I have realised I like yoga and just because I am not as bendy as most people doesn’t mean I can’t do a downward facing dog as well as the next person.

We have made a small house into a big house and have taken pride in doing so. It’s been a massive lesson for us as a family and a couple but it has bought us closer together and bought pure joy. I look forward to getting the garden finished and starting my flower garden and the thought of cutting flowers I have grown myself next year to display in my home brings a huge grin to my face.

I have realised that there are so many things in this life that are so much more important that I ever thought. Sitting with my parents over a cup of tea talking about the birds, seeing my boys play with their friends, listening to the boys read, eating cake with Karl, taking my mum out and treating her like she deserves to be treated and laughing with my friends. These things are priceless, these moments to be made memories that I can cherish forever.

I want to continue to write and talk about mental health. I want to help people, to give blood (once and counting) to explore more creative pursuits, to spend more time with the people I love and to see them go from strength to strength. I hope that when I write this post next year it will be another year of little things that have added up to massive things when I will be meeting another year older as a welcome friend full of excitement and promise.

Thanks as always for reading, for listening, for being here and being you. You have no idea how much each and every one of you that has taken the time to email, comment on my social media, hit the like button and talk to me about my blog and writing have helped me this year. You are amazing and I hope you never forget it.

Lucy xxx