Hello all, how are we? Relatively quiet in the last week and I’m sorry about that. It’s all been very busy and full of stuff and I blinked and we are back on Monday again.
As the title suggests I am struggling to sleep, which has caused me to reflect on some of the things I have going on to try and work out exactly what is bothering me and how I can handle it.
One of the issues I believe is that I am not tired in the right way, I get absolutely shattered in the early evening and end up either falling asleep and then finding myself wide awake in the small hours or I am overtired and I don’t wind down enough to sleep properly.
Last week was the leaving drinks of my lovely friend who is moving off to France. I spent much of the week leading up to it trying to decide how I would be, I am so hugely happy for her but also so sad that she is leaving. I ended up drinking far too much and although had an amazing time certainly paid for it with the two day hangover that followed. It almost makes you feel uneasy that things can change completely in such a short space of time. Someone who had been a constant over the last four years at work is gone and she is never coming back. Of course we will speak and see each other again but in a very different way to what I have been used to.
I have always been one of those people who views change with suspicion and concern, don’t get me wrong change is so often for the better but I often worry that changing everything will have disastrous consequences and I struggle getting used to the new computer programme, the slightly smaller chocolate brownie or the addition of some new exotic alcopop favour.
I also wonder whether my sleep is being attacked by the ongoing doubts and nerves of all the rubbish things I am doing as a mother. The boys who lovely as they seem to be for everyone else often behave like a mixture between Dennis the Menace, Horrid Henry, Kevin the Teenager and WWF Wrestlers.
Leo’s constant moaning about various issues has this week almost turned into it’s own language, you can’t quite make out what it is other than a distinct moaning like wail which usually ends with the only words you can discern, ‘it’s not fair.’ Now I appreciate at the age of five things often might not seem fair however I refuse to believe life is that bad when you are moaning about not being able to wear jogging bottoms to school, having to put shoes on, not being able to eat 17 ice poles before breakfast and not being able to have kebabs for every meal.
Nate has decided that he doesn’t need to wash so this has become a daily battle of me running a sink, bath, shower and then the inevitable stand off where he gives all the reasons why he can’t possibly wash which include things like not caring if he smells, he washed last week, soap is for girls and he just wants to get on with playing with toys.
There is of course also the issue that the boys have both decided that Mummy and Daddy’s bed is a far more comfortable option for sleeping so on a nightly basis I end up sleeping alongside both Daddy and the boys, all who snore, fidget, talk in their sleep, bring a vast array of cuddly toys with them (the boys not Karl) and in general make me wake up with a bad back after having to contort myself into a space that I can fit into.
I think really that I may have answered my own question in relation to why I can’t sleep, in fact you could say I have always known the answers however how will I resolve them? The answer I believe is that I can’t. I can’t stop stress affecting me, the boys wanting to come in with us or the bad back that seems to be coming with age and experience!
There will likely come a time in my life when I desperately wish that they boys would want to come to me for comfort instead of dealing with it on their own, when I too will be making massive decisions and will need the extra thinking time and when I finally realise that change is a part of my life that will come whether I like it or not and that I should welcome it and all the new things it brings with open arms. However for now I am tired and grumpy so I will leave it there!
Wish me luck and if anyone has any remedies other than sleeping tablets I would be very grateful of your advice!
Loads of love, Lucy xx