tiredfromwhitstable

Thankfulness……

Do you ever get to that point when you get a bit sick of yourself? When for whatever reason you know you can’t keep thinking the way you do and actually it’s all getting a bit tiresome.

In life we would walk away from something draining us but what happens when that something is you?

I’m getting to the point where I feel a bit like that about myself, being depressed is all getting a bit boring now! I’m sure this is a recognised phase in most people who are ready for the next step but not quite there yet (still no start date for cbt) but I’m seeing it as a good thing for me.

This last week I’ve tried to focus so much more on the little things, the things I always try to get others to notice but so rarely pay any attention to myself, the things we see but overlook each and everyday and the small moments that we will never get back and should savour.

I’ve not gone as far as writing these down mostly because when I’ve been seeing and feeling them there hasn’t been the opportunity but I feel like I’ve made progress in acknowledging these small moments of gratitude and thankfulness.

At the end of this post I will ask you what little things you are thankful for over the last week, I wonder how many you can think of?

So in no particular order here goes……

Little thing number one: my awfully behaved children, now I know these aren’t little things, in fact they are two of the few most important things in my whole life however they behave appallingly most of the time. They don’t listen to a word I say, they wreck the house on an hourly basis, they go in the sea knowing full well I have no way of changing their clothes afterwards, they help themselves to all manner of food which was not bought for them, they climb into our neighbours gardens to retrieve their balls even though they know they aren’t meant to and they always say exactly what they are thinking even if they come across as rude or offensive. But….. they are two very unique, high spirited individual boys who know their own minds and feel so massively comfortable in our love that they will do all these things knowing full well that they will always be looked after and loved unconditionally. Even if their parents look like they have aged twenty years in the last twenty minutes. This brings me on to…….

Little thing number two: friendship. Those people who are committed to being there for you and will stand with you through thick or thin, awful decisions, sadness, happiness and when you genuinely are the hardest to love or even like much because that is when you need them the most.

Little thing number three: nature, the thing that just gets on with it no matter what else is going on, the sun sets and rises again, the seasons change, the weather does its thing and we just Potter along around it. But when you stop to really appreciate it you see that it’s the most amazing thing in the world. Nature and all it creates is absolutely breathtaking and a few minutes spent just looking at the nature around you is extremely good for the soul.

Little thing number four: my husband, this week we have been married for twelve years. This isn’t an event which will go with much fanfare this year due to work and other bits and pieces but it’s been such a tough year for so many reasons and lots of those are due to my issues and yet Karl still stands with me, sees me at my very worst and still believes in me and the amount of love and respect I have for him and all he does for me and the boys is immeasurable. Marriage is never easy and I thank him for sticking with us.

Little thing number five: my mum, there is so much I could say here and it would take me hours to write it all down so I will simply say this, ‘you are my sunshine’.

Little thing number six: Nutella and crumpets, I couldn’t have got through the last week without you!

Little thing number seven: Instagram, the amazing community where I have made many friends and can lose myself in a world of beauty and flowers.

Little thing number eight: my Dad, often grumpy yet has the biggest heart I know. This man doesn’t understand a lot of the issues I have been going through and yet is there no matter what with a joke that isn’t really funny and amazing dinners. He knows how much of a pain in the arse I am and yet invests so much in my little family. I love you so very much Dad.

So…… how about you? If you fancy let me know what little things you are thankful for this week, you can email, catch me on IG, Facebook or Twitter. Or just write a couple down to look back on next week, I promise you it will be worth it.

Please remember, it’s okay to be a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we can shine.

Where for art thou cows……

Hi all, how are we?

I love this time of year with the first bursts on warm sunshine, beautiful blossom bursting from all the trees and the general get up and go you find that you seem to have lost in the dreary colder months.

The thing that excites me most though at this time of year is not what you would expect, not the impending chocolate eggs or lighter evenings though I do love these things. No for me it’s a great big herd of cows. Yes that’s rights cows.

I wake each day with the excitement that today might be the day that we roll back the curtains to see a massive herd of mummy and new born baby cows grazing at the end of the garden. The farm that backs on to our house is huge and will soon be letting the cows out for the warmer months.

Karl and I sat out on our little bench at the end of the garden earlier and talked about how lucky we are. In a world full of all sorts of chaos we have this sanctuary, the sprawling view and peace that it brings to your mind. This was one of the things that made us fall in love with our house and garden and I could sit and look at that view all day long.

We think that the cows will be our again once all the babies are born, we aren’t however very experienced in the world of farming so if anyone has any insights I would greatly welcome them! Last week we randomly spoke to a farmer when we drove one evening children in tow to somewhere in Sussex to pick up a set of old Ercol chairs for our next joint upcycling project.

The lady who had the chairs owned a farm and let us drive along to see the cows and tractors (boys were in heaven) shortly after that Leo was sick down himself and the back of the car which made the whole thing far less magical. She was saying that they were just waiting for all the calves to be born and then their cows would be outside again so I know it will be soon.

I’ve never before realised just how fantastic cows are. They are absolutely massive close up and have the most amazing curly perm haircuts. They sit down in the slowest, most ungraceful fashion and really take their time to think about getting up. They don’t understand what a football is and have to form a large band to investigate when the boys kick one over the fence and even then one gets scared and they all run off and the babies are so gorgeous I could keep one.

They are quite happy to come up to the fence and be stroked, karl laughed at me many times last year as I talked to various cows and stroked their lovely curly mops. Alf the cat also likes to watch them, he looks over the fence at them like he is witnessing an alien world and his eyes widen in wonder.

The cows have influenced our lives in a way that I didn’t imagine and we now buy all things cow for the house. We have cow signs, small decorative cows, cow tea towels, a cow chalk board, cow Emma Bridgewater mugs and cow shopping bags. We even bought a painting called ‘the kitchen cow’ last year on a trip to Brighton which hangs proudly in our kitchen.

What is it about spring you are looking forward to most? Is it stranger than cows?!

Words from the Wise…..

Hey all, how are we?

I’m very conscious that I have been quite quiet recently. The main reason for this is that since I’ve been struggling with being so down I’ve not wanted to just come across as negative and moaning. I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for and I am trying to work on all the other sides of my appallingly low self esteem which I believe is the root cause of many of the issues I have had over the years.

I go back to work after six months off on Monday, this time has incorporated illness, major surgery, recovery and now my issues with me. Am I ready? No! Do I have any confidence? No. Would I rather curl up in a ball? Hell yes! I of course cannot do that, I am a professional, working mother and a huge part of who I am is someone who works. Not just because we need to cover all the bills and the mortgage but also because I like that I have another avenue in my life, a place where I am not just a mum and no one will shout at me because they can’t find the head to the green ninja from Lego Ninjago.

For so many reasons I now realise that I am the reason for a lot of the bad things that have happened in my life because I tell myself I am no good, I can’t manage it and I don’t deserve whatever it is. I spoke in a previous blog about mental health and needing to be okay with me otherwise I wouldn’t be able to manage with anything or anyone else.

So while waiting for my initial counselling assessment I have tried to start my journey on my own and do some small things to help me get through this time. One of the first things I did was look to Pinterest. I have had an account for years but never really used it but have been sent many things from it in relation to my youth mentoring. I set up a number of boards one being, ‘quotes to live by’ and another, ‘things to read’. I began to find inspirational quotes and pieces about mindfulness and stockpiling them to read and to look at to remind myself of all the good and positive things in life.

I started to track my moods and work out what sort of things made me low and the things that made my heart sing. I focussed more on being a happy, healthy me and the mum and wife my family needs. I also spoke to others who have been through similar and have found themselves where I am. I realised that my priorities needed juggling and that not everything I prioritised was making me happy and healthy. I realised I needed to let some things go and work much harder at others. I basically realised that for me I was in a new phase and almost starting from square one.

As we all know the beginning of anything new is hard, leaving your comfort zone and trying something you are not used to doing is like trying to win a gold medal at the winter Olympics in ice skating when you have never skated before. It feels odd, abnormal and very lonely at first but after time it becomes more normal, almost a habit and you start to feel like you can manage.

I challenged myself to do some things I had never before been comfortable with. Since I had been ill I struggled with my running and whilst ill I have put on quite a lot of weight. Running was something I would happily do on my own as it gave me a space to think and to breathe. I couldn’t imagine walking on my own though, in fact I found the thought quite embarrassing, wouldn’t people think it’s odd that I’m out walking on my own and I don’t even have a dog?! As you can imagine when I started actually no one batted an eyelid and I have been enjoying some brisk, long walks out and about in the sunshine which has given me that space to think and breathe again outside in nature.

Things haven’t been perfect and following my assessment I am now on the waiting list for starting sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which I’ve never done before and is described as a more proactive type of therapy. Things are moving in the right direction, going back to work, getting back to my mentoring and being braver with my thoughts and outlook are all going in the right direction, I just need to not muck it all up!

So to sum up, who knows what will happen next week, just walking through the door of the office seems like a marathon to me at the moment. Hopefully it will be much simpler than that but if it’s not I will have to deal with it because as we said earlier I can’t just curl up into that tiny ball!

I wonder if any of these which are some of my favourite quotes that have helped me through recently will resonate with you?

‘You have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t helped. Try approving of yourself and see what happens’

‘Bloom where you are planted’

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’

‘It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are’

‘You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed or unworthy. You were created to be victorious’

‘Complaining about a problem without posing a solution is called whining’

‘She was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them’

‘Only grow things in your brain that you wouldn’t mind putting in a vase’

‘Some days she has no idea how she’ll do it. But every single day, it still gets done’

‘Don’t let the muggles get you down’ (Wise woman that JK Rowling!)

The Fisk Family Dolmio Challenge…..

Are you like me and sometimes struggle for inspiration for your family meal plans? Life is just so busy and often after all the other things I need to sort putting together a meal that we will all eat that is healthy and filling seems to fall by the way side.

I have sadly done what I said I would never do and always kept fish fingers and chicken nuggets in the freezer and though I try to always have fresh fruit and veg sometimes it feels impossible to plan in advance when exactly I will need and use them.

We like so many other families have to contend with work, school, after school clubs, weekend clubs, birthday parties, homework, reading books, food shopping, clothes shopping, exercise and let’s be honest I could go on. So when you get home sometimes the thought of cooking a meal from scratch can be a bit daunting when all you want to do is chill with your little people.

This week the lovely people from Dolmio challenged us to do just this using a variety of ingredients and showing that you can make a hearty and delicious meal in not too much time at all. We decided to go for a Traditional spaghetti bolognaise using the Dolmio traditional sauce. We added in plenty of vegetables which I would often struggle to get the boys to eat like aubergine and courgettes as well as some of the ones they eat ordinarily like carrots, mushrooms and onions. The good thing about this dish is that you can hide the dreaded veg they turn their noses up at and the yummy flavour disguises them!

The boys helped with stirring the pan and licked the spoon a fair few times! I laid the table and we sat down to eat. This was on a busy Monday evening after we had done the school run and bowling club. The sun was shining as Spring is finally breaking through and we all sat down to a lovely family meal together that had only taken 25 minutes to prepare (that was with the boys ‘help’ slowing us down!

Being outnumbered by boys we get through a lot of food in this house and one jar of Dolmio was enough to feed us all as well as offer enough leftovers for Karl to take some in the next day for his packed lunch. This was using only a regular sized packet of mince and some of one packet of wholemeal spaghetti.

The boys of course ended up with food all over their faces and covering much of the table but they were happy and full. I often feel guilty when it’s been a busy day and we end up eating freezer food as it seems the simpler option however it is possible to have a home cooked meal with minimal prep and cooking.

Now I am not for one second suggesting I am some kind of domestic goddess (if you could see the mess in the kitchen now as I type you would gasp!) But I would like to be able to have some simple meals that I can easily cook on my own if Karl is working or we can cook together when he is here. I do cook spaghetti bolognaise but I had forgotten how much easier it is using a sauce like Dolmio.

This post is an entry for the #Dolmio #ThankGoodness Challenge, sponsored by Dolmio. To find out more click here.

Best laid plans……

Hey all, happy Saturday evening to you.

Today was one of those days where I made loose plans as you never quite know what will happen and thank goodness I did.

Leo who has numerous food allergies the worst one being to cows milk protein had an allergic reaction to something he had eaten. Often we aren’t 100% sure exactly what it is but it leaves him poorly and miserable.

This isn’t anything too much out of the ordinary, we have been dealing with his allergies since he was two weeks old so we know how to deal with them it’s just not ideal when it’s the weekend and you want to meet your friend and her children at a local wildlife park.

Karl had to work later on today so we had the grand idea of me taking Nate out for a bike ride so I could get a nice walk (exercise to burn off cake) in and Karl and Leo would stay at home so Leo could chill and Karl would start cooking an early dinner so we could all eat together before he went to work.

It sounds perfect doesn’t it and I will be honest I was quite excited about some one on one time with Nate as Leo had been having the majority of my attention all day. So he donned his cycle helmet, talked me through his gears and off we went. We are lucky to live near some fab footpaths that are away from the road so we went along one of those that heads up to some woods.

My only rule was that Nate wasn’t to go so far that we couldn’t see each other but luckily as the path is straight and quite wide I could see him easily. We came to a big hill and Nate was so chuffed with himself peddling all the way to the top without needing to get off his bike and push.

I noted some lovely cream coloured blossom on one of the trees and thought for a moment about stopping to take a snap but decided it would be best for the return journey so hopped along after Nate until we came to the bottom of another even bigger hill.

Now this hill I know well as I run up it (when my only exercise isn’t chopping said cake up!) Nate wisely decided to push the bike up the hill half way and then that he would come down on the bike and I should film him on my phone to show Daddy and Leo.

We communicated by shouting and he announced so loudly that the birds flew out of the trees, ‘I’m Coming, start recording!’ So I did as any mother would and excitedly filmed him shrieking with excitement and with a huge smile on his face as he came down the hill.

I reminded him to use his brakes as loudly as I could just incase he forgot but then chastised myself as an overprotective mother as he knows the hill and has been down it before so why would he forget?

Well can you guess? He forgot, the bike wobbled and I filmed my eldest son, my gorgeous boy crashing his bike in a cloud of dust.

I sprinted to him as he wasn’t far ahead of me and found that the bike had fallen on top of him. He was covered in mud and crying his eyes out as you can imagine. I was quite concerned about his knee which on examination looked swollen and already bruised but he was more concerned about a nasty scrape on his arm.

I did all the first aid stuff and made sure nothing was broken (thank goodness as on a footpath in the middle of the woods I have no idea how an ambulance would have got to us!) I then had the dilemma of being a good mile away from home with a heavy bike, an inconsolable Nate and hills to combat.

Nate wanted an ambulance and for a good five minutes all he said was ‘A and E’ and then when I explained that an ambulance wouldn’t get to us he said ‘get the emergency helicopter then’!

I got him to sit on the bike and pulled him along, at one point my cardigan got stuck in the ‘engine’ bit of the bike (yes I hear you, I’m an idiot!) and had to try and untangle myself with Nate still on the bike and holding one of my arms.

I called Karl who confirmed what I knew that I needed to get him home and that he couldn’t get to me any quicker. I later found out that actually Leo was having a tantrum anyway so poor Karl was dealing with that!

By the time we had gone the mile or so back to the end of the footpath I was dripping in sweat, I could feel the muscles at the top of my arm swelling and my back felt like it would give in. I decided that the best thing to do would be to leave Nate on one side of the road so I could cross with the bike and put it on our driveway and then run back to carry Nate across. He would be in my sight the whole time and I didn’t want to make him walk anymore. One because I didn’t want him to be in pain and two because he sounded like a wounded animal and was getting increasingly louder and I imagined our neighbours would panic.

So I calmly explained my plan to him and went to get ready to cross the road when he said, ‘I can’t stand here on my own! I could be kidnapped’! I then heard laughter from a lady who was gardening her flower beds in the garden just next to us. I imagine she like me was imagining the millions of times I have said just those words to Nate when he has asked to go off and do something on his own.

So we get home to survey the damage and bless him he has some awful scratches and bruises and feels very sorry for himself. He was put onto the sofa in his pyjamas and we cuddled and then Nana came round for some added TLC.

You can imagine how shitty a mother I felt, being the bloody idiot who filmed her son crashing his bike and then had to somehow get him home. Karl assured me though that for a boy this is one of life’s valuable lessons and he did something similar crashing a bike into a fence at Nates age.

I know that as parents we can’t wrap our children up in cotton wool but the guilt I felt and the feeling of my heart being in my mouth that my baby had hurt himself was truly awful. Next time I take him out he will be wearing much more padding and I imagine I will stick to a flatter path.

I’m not for a second suggesting that any of this was funny in anyway however it was only when we got home and had calmed down that I went through what Nate had been saying in my head and couldn’t help but giggle to myself. I have two amazing, bright, excitable and occasionally challenging little boys and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Is this is a good time to say I failed my cycling proficiency test at primary school?!

International Women’s Day

I realise that I am one of the millions of people who are today writing about International Women’s Day and my thoughts on being a woman in the world. I am in awe of so many men and women and have many places I can look to for inspiration and guidance.

There are women the world over who are inspirational such as powerful women in governments, business, human rights, music, celebrity and writing. I am quite sure if I asked any woman she would have her list of go to inspirational women and the lists would differ greatly depending on personality and lifestyle.

I am not going to use this post to talk about women I find inspiring as I often do that in my blog posts as standard. I would like to talk about how I feel about being a woman and ask what does being a woman mean to you? I think my views are slightly off as I am not raising daughters. I have to use the viewpoint of raising boys who will respect women and be inspired to look at the achievements of everyone around them regardless of their sex.

I have spent time on Instagram this morning (big shocker I know!) and there are so many pictures of mothers who are raising daughters and their hopes and dreams for these little girls who have such a massive and varied world to grow up in. If I’m being totally honest I feel a little left out, I’m the mum who spent the morning arguing with Leo about how it is not appropriate to go to school with no pants on. I have been up since 0300 hours as my mind is constantly going over worries and issues so much so that I can’t sleep and I have been branded useless by Nate as I can’t tell him how much a McClaren F1 car would set him back or how many horse powers (Nate’s words not mine) they have.

I am struggling with being a human being at times at the moment let alone a woman, wife, mum and holder of massive parenting responsibility. How can I show my boys how much women should be respected and how important they are? Well I think the one thing I can say I am able to show is overcoming adversity. We have all had our fair share of issues in our lives and I don’t think there is a woman walking this earth who hasn’t. Yes okay some issues are tiny in comparison to others but that is all subjective. What I might see as huge someone else might see as tiny and vice versa. Just because people may not appreciate what it means or meant to you as an individual doesn’t mean that it wasn’t an issue and that you didn’t overcome it.

Every day I work on issues in my life of some kind, as many of you know at the moment its self confidence and self esteem issues and feeling like I’m not quite sure exactly who I am following a hysterectomy and six months off work. Some days I am really good at facing these issues head on and coping, solving and working on being a better person than I was yesterday. Other days I sit on the sofa and feel like all I can do is eat rubbish and watch reality TV which is somehow addictive but a total waste of time (Keeping up with the Kardashians?!)

The boys have been acutely aware that mummy has been ill and has been down, it must have been obvious over the last year going from issue to issue culminating in my operation. They have however seen me physically grow stronger, do more and recover. They watch me now being brighter, aware that I have issues but working on them. Stepping slowly into the sunlight and trying to stay there and not look back. How many other women have had to embrace such a journey that you can think of?

Whether it be a bad break up or divorce, ill health, career changes, family issues, friendship issues, dramatic changes in circumstances I can think of lots of women who have embraced these new beginnings and become stronger and wiser because of them. If the boys learn nothing else from me about women it will be that we take on board what life throws at us and we deal with it. Not always quickly and rarely on our own but we deal with it because we have to. We are women, we are depended on by so many and we depend on others. We are an integral part of how the wheel of this world turns and we should be proud of ourselves for this.

What defines us as women is whatever we want it to be. I, living in a house full of boys have to be quite strong in my identity as a woman otherwise the boy things take over. I say this while looking down at a remote controlled Porsche on the floor beside me, a drill on the dresser and some kind of electronic device with lots of wires and flashing lights on charging in the nearest plug socket. I have the responsibility of being the female influence to the boys and that is one that I take very seriously and am honoured to have.

Today we celebrate women all over the world and I am proud to say I am one of you. We can lead, achieve, influence and raise the future of our world and if that’s not an important job I don’t know what is. So whatever you do, stay at home mum, career woman, partner, single and happy hold your head high today and each day. You are doing the best you can and if today doesn’t go so well there is always tomorrow.

I’m not sure who said this but I wholeheartedly agree, ‘The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.’

Drone flying, bike riding and giant crumpets….

Hi all, how are you?

This week like all the others seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. After what seems like a miserable few weeks I’m happy to say that this week with the start of spring and hints of sunshine to come has been much brighter.

Karl has just bought a new drone which he has wanted for ages. This white thing that looks a bit like a giant fan has been ever present in our lives since he received it at the beginning of the week. So much so the constant ‘droning’ noise it makes is starting to seem quite normal now. As is the gale force wind it blows around as it hovers over my head.

So far this week we have taken selfies of ourselves in the garden from a great height, filmed the internal layout of the house while blowing around every loose bit of paper laying around (loads as always!) and filmed the boys riding their bikes up and down my parents driveway which is very long using the drones special ‘follow’ feature.

I have to say I am genuinely concerned that we will end up causing no end of issues for the poor cows when they return to the field shortly and their peace is disturbed by Karl’s drone on follow mode but I’m hoping some of the overexcitement will have worn off before then!

The boys have been particularly keen on bike rides this week and Leo is practicing to be ready to have his stabilisers off. This is for two reasons, one that he is five and really should be riding his bike on his own by now and two he is so huge that we are worried the poor stabilisers will buckle under the weight. He ate a bigger roast dinner than me today and that is quite a feat (I love a roast!)

I tried this week to be clever when it came to breakfast, I feel like daily the boys conspire to make it as difficult as possible. They change their minds repeatedly, decide they don’t like what they ate the day before, refuse to eat certain things over others (usually once I’ve already made the first) and generally drive me potty.

So I went to the new Aldi and stocked up on every kind of breakfast option available. Cereals by the dozen, fruits, yoghurts, breakfast biscuits, bread for toast, eggs, bacon, sausages, cold meats and giant crumpets. If I’m being totally honest they were more for Karl and I. We are both partial to a nice crumpet and they looked so yummy. Typically both Nate and Leo decided they wanted said crumpets and not only ate nothing else of the huge amount of stuff I had bought but I ended up having to go and buy more giant crumpets and at my last count this morning that’s 24 this week! Nate will only eat his half butter half chocolate spread which is extremely odd!

I am so happy that spring is here and I’m looking forward to the next part of the year. This week has been full of light and it feels like the new season has bought a new sense of purpose.

Alf the cat is doing well, thank you for all your lovely thoughts and comments. He is eating like a king and doing lots of resting. We believe thanks to our neighbours we have identified the offending cat who apparently has been making a menace of himself with cats in the road. I’m not really sure what to do about that yet but I am very thankful our Alf is okay and on the mend.

So this week if anyone feels they are being followed I apologise for Karl and his drone and if anyone fancies breakfast I have enough food to feed the whole of Kent (not any giant crumpets though, they are Nate and Leo’s apparently!)

Have a fab week you lovely people and never forget that you are amazing and you can achieve great things. No one can define exactly what those things are so this week if you climb a mountain or simply manage to get your little darlings to brush their teeth without a twenty minute debate about the workings of gum disease you will have achieved something!

Keeping little people happy…..

I can hear you sniggering as you read the title to this blog post, who actually has the answer of how to keep little ones happy! Any of you who know me and read my blog on a regular basis know that I really don’t have the answer to this question and spend much of my time with my head in my hands or shoving a chocolate bar in my mouth!

Well recently I have noticed that the boys have both been paying much more attention to what I get up to. A huge part of my life is blogging, taking photographs for Instagram and being creative as a way to bring wellbeing and mindfulness. One of the things I have encouraged is for the boys to choose a notepad each that they can draw and write in whenever they fancy and express their creative sides too. They have become very interested in what pencils they use, colours and which ones go together well and thinking about they joy they get from making things.

So when I was asked to become a Brand Rep for Mila and Pheebs who create fantastic craft and stationary boxes for children I jumped at the chance. This month Nate and Leo received a lovely box full of fun activities all with a Farm theme. There were treats to please any craft and stationary lover boy or girl and the box was so full that neither of them moaned about having to share so you can imagine I was really impressed!

This months box contained a hand puppet kit which needed to be sewn, a pack of decorations to make a sheep on the front of a greetings card (perfect for mothers day!) Some blank cards and envelopes for the card making, foil farmyard stickers, foam stickers, a gorgeous pencil with eraser topper, a cute Iwako cow eraser (which I may have snaffled for myself!) Some farm animal shaped crayons, a cockerel paperclip, colouring sheets, a maze, a notepad and a wordsearch.

The absolute delight the boys had opening the box was so lovely to see and they both made cards straight away for their Nana using the crayons, stickers and sheep decorations! We filmed the ‘unboxing’ and I think you will agree how fab these boxes are! The good thing about the box is that the boys are doing the activities over a period of time so it’s not just a ten minute thing. Mila and Pheebs have bought happiness and encouragement to the boys and their burgeoning craft and stationary addictions!

As a brand rep for this amazing company I can offer my blog readers a 10% discount on subscriptions made at milaandpheebs.com when you enter the discount code ‘tiredfromwhitstable’. At £10 a box they are great value so to get an extra 10% off that is too good to miss.

I as you know welcome anything which makes life with two very lively boys simpler and more fun without making me a stressed and tired mess. This has been one of the things this month which I can say definitely ticks all the right boxes for me!

If you would like to watch the video of the boys and the content of this months box you can do so here. I will also add it to my Facebook page for any of you that follow me there.

I hope you are having a fantastic week so far and that Pancake day brings you all the pancake delights you desire (anyone else bought the biggest put of Nutella you can buy?!)

A Simple Weekend…..

I had such a phenomenal response to my last post about my depression and anxiety and how I am at the point of seeking additional help and I wanted to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you that took the time to message, email and talk to me about what I wrote. It really is so tough and sadly its something that I have to live with as do the people around me.

Lots of the people who have contacted me to let me know I am not alone have been local and I wonder if there is more we can be doing to support each other? It’s something I’m doing a lot of thinking about and any ideas would be most welcome. I will continue to document my journey and also some ways of looking at your wellbeing whether that be physical or mental. Please don’t ever think you are alone, there are so many of us from all walks of life. Keep your heads up and your hearts strong!

So I now move on to the weekend, because of the hardcore and mentally draining week we decided to plan nothing other than the absolute essentials and keep life simple. On Saturday the aim of the game literally was to just get the boys new shoes. We had also planned as a treat to go to Kaspa’s In Canterbury (the restaurant that only serves desserts!) We were brave and parked in the Park and Ride just outside of town and the boys were most excited at the prospect of travelling on a double decker bus.

We had to sit upstairs at the back and Leo spent the whole of the fifteen minute bus ride on a packed bus asking questions at the top of his voice about diseases and germs. I was bombarded with gems like, ‘Do fleas live in poo? Do flies eat poo? Do flies spread diseases? What would happen if I licked a fly? Are there venomous snakes in England? Can venom cause diseases? What is anti-venom? I could continue but you get the drift. Luckily our fellow bus dwellers found the whole thing quite amusing and one couple marvelled at Leo’s extensive thirst for knowledge in the world of germs.

We then went to the shoe shop, it is a two minute walk from the bus station but both boys managed to run off, nearly knock shoppers over and run out in front of the one taxi that was driving along the High Street. When we opened the door to the very lovely children’s shoe shop there was a very loud bell that chimed repeatedly as we walked in. I could see the spark of mischief in the boys eyes as soon as they saw the bell but decided to hope for the best as we waited to get their feet measured.

Four pairs of shoes and £140 later the boys had begun to get bored so started opening and closing the door to the shop as we queued to pay. Leo wearing his brand new Sketchers trainers with flashing lights so bright I felt like I was at a disco. Nate in his super grown up trainer boots looking much cooler than both me and Karl. There wasn’t one person in the shop who wasn’t on edge at the constant ring of the bloody bell attached to the door. The trouble was every time I tried to stop them I grabbed the door so made even more noise. It was like torture!

We then went to Kaspas and after queueing for thirty minutes in which I had to use phrases such as, ‘Nate, don’t lick the counter’ and ‘Leo mind that mans waffles!’ were given a table right underneath a large flat screen tv showing Despicable Me. Perfect we thought, the boys will be happy, full of yummy puddings and entertained by the film. Alas the position of the screen meant that they kept trying to crane their necks in a certain way to watch the film and ended up leaving Karl and I with the impossible choice of either being physically pushed out of our chairs or having to have the boys sit on the outside where they had the opportunity to run off and cause chaos. I ate a very yummy chocolate and peanut butter waffle even though I had Nate’s elbows repeatedly poking me.

After this we had a large scale tantrum from Leo which lasted almost an hour as his pocket money would only stretch to one Lego Mini Figure and not the twelve he pulled off the shelf. Cue trying to get large five year old up escalators in posh department store while screaming ‘I WANT THE LEGO!’ ‘GET OFF ME FART BRAIN’ and my personal favourite ‘LEAVE ME ALONE NAPPY BABY!’

Today I cooked a roast and while I did so the boys played football out in the garden while Karl did manly outside jobs (not my domain!) We are very lucky to live where our garden backs onto a farm so we have a low fence and a beautiful view of farmers fields and cows. Of course we also have the issue that the boys footballs fly over the fence easily and at a frustrating frequency. Luckily you can access the field from a footpath along the road so Karl went to get the balls back. He did this three times before giving up and leaving the balls in the field. On the last time he hadn’t actually got back from chucking them back over the fence before Nate and Leo had managed to kick them back into the field.

The boys came in just as I was peeling the carrots and being small boys who never do as you expect both decided to eat as much carrot as they could. They would never do this if I asked of course! So it went that I peeled a carrot only for a small boy to wander past and take said carrot. This happened eight times before I had to start hiding the peeled carrots for fear there would be none left for dinner.

Once dinner was done and the boys bathed we were on the home straight and nearing bed time. We were laughing, feeling giddy to have almost got through a whole ‘simple’ weekend and soon to be able to sit down and watch a film. Then Alf the cat came in from the garden with half his nose hanging off after getting into some sort of fight with another cat. So to end our evening we spent £200 at the emergency vets only to be told he will have to go to our vet for a small operation tomorrow (loosely translated as another £200).

I dread to think what will happen the next time we have a weekend where we actually have plans to do something! Have a fantastic week you lovely people.

Mental Health and Me…..

This post is going to come with a disclaimer…… you might find it tough to read or get extremely bored. Please read on if you are happy with that!

Since I was twenty I have had a very interesting relationship with my mental health. So much so that it has at various points throughout the years since (I’m now thirty three) been something that I have been unable to ignore, that I’ve been able to work around or in general we have worked quite harmoniously together however it has always been something that has been a big part of me.

I have always felt envious of people who never seem to struggle with negative aspects of their mental health, who are able to get that balance right and not to be pulled down by their overwhelming emotions. I salute those people and commend anyone who is able to deal with their own wellbeing in a positive and efficient manner. Of course it will be no big shocker to you that I am not one of those people. I am in fact the polar opposite of this and have been made acutely aware of this again recently.

For anyone who has ever suffered with depression and anxiety issues you will know that there are good times and bad. There are times when doing anything other than laying under a blanket and pretending that the world outside the front door doesn’t exist is impossible and other times when you feel you could climb a mountain and do a pretty good ‘Sound of Music’ rendition when you get to the top. There are also times in between in which you cope relatively well and are aware of any triggers to your issues and can deal with them accordingly.

I bounce around between these and every couple of years or so end up at a real low and some of you may have noticed here I am now! I’ve been grumpy, miserable, made bad decisions, upset people and generally been a pain in the arse to anyone that knows me (except Alf the Cat, thank the lord for him!) I now find myself in one of those phases where I could literally shut the whole world out and really wouldn’t mind doing so.

Of course we can’t do this, when it was just Karl and I this wasn’t an option and now I have the boys they need me to be the best mum I can be (yes I know, middling at best!) so the only option is to deal with it. Sounds so simple doesn’t it, pick up the pieces, move on, grin and bear it, keep calm and carry on (insert a million more inspirational quotes!) But how do you actually do that?!

Well I took the first step and referred myself back for counselling. Something I haven’t done for two years when in the middle of my last down phase I decided it would be a fantastic idea to stop eating. This consisted of a phone call to one of the suggested local practitioners and answering some questions trying to ascertain how urgent my need for help was and how long I could wait. The nearest available appointment for an initial telephone conversation was in a months time. I of course took the appointment and as I jotted this down in my diary tears streamed down my face. Its such a horrible thing to feel like you have made no progress at all and you are back to square one.

I acknowledge of course that this isn’t square one, in fact I’m not sure the squares even have numbers. They are just slightly different colours to the ones I have been on in the past and I need to work my way out of each and every shade. I cannot do this on my own hence my asking for help. I hope that this time I will be able to enter into a new, brighter period in my life where I can acknowledge that its okay to need help and to ask for it when you need it.

It is massively hard just being a grown up in our world and the amount of pressure on each and every individual is vast. When you add work, home, family life, parenting, friendships, money, politics, education, confidence, self esteem and just managing to all of this I think it is understandable why so many of us can at times struggle with our mental health. Women are particularly bad at allowing themselves to feel things for worrying that they will look weak, lose respect of others or be judged negatively because of their actions.

I wonder how many other mums like me today walked into the school to pick up their children feeling inadequate, like they aren’t good enough and embarrassed to hold their head high. I feel like that more often than not at the moment and it can be debilitating. I know deep down of course that people probably aren’t thinking all the negative things about me that I am and that they are just going on with their day and probably struggling with or through something themselves.

I wonder if you would notice should a friend or family member be displaying these behaviours, would you be worried? Would you question their welfare and see that they were not quite themselves? I imagine many of us wouldn’t as we get so wrapped up in our own lives that it’s easy to see past what appear to be tiny things. I ask you to have a look around you, if you think someone is low say hi, crack a joke, ask them how they are. You never know that might be the only time that person smiles that day. If that person is like me running after a small child up the High Street the best thing you can do is offer cake (its one of the few instant mood elevators in my book!)

I enter this new phase with uncertainty, I am determined to pull myself out of this current lull but I’m not quite sure how to do it yet and how long it will take. All I ask of you is patience, love and understanding and I promise I will give the same back.

When someone who struggles with depression is at their lowest they can often be tough to love, it’s hard work with little or no reward. I assure you though this is the time that a person who is suffering needs the most love and understanding from you.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It has been hard to write and believe me I would love to just be writing about the number of parenting faux pas I’ve made this week (27,000 and counting) how I managed to spend fifteen minutes trying to put my jeans on backwards, how I poured milk in the kettle and the worlds worst bit of parallel parking you have ever seen witnessed by open mouthed members of the public who almost laughed and pointed but I needed to let you all know that I’m not okay and for now that’s fine.

I as you know love a quote and am a huge fan of Sex and the City, one of Carrie Bradshaw’s most profound moments was this…. ‘ As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost and when that happens I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda buckle up and just keep going’.