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Hey all, how are you? 

If you follow my Instagram feed (lucy_fisk) you will know that it was my birthday this weekend and that I spent it in the lovely city that is Amsterdam.

The weekend that saw me turn 33 along with my friend Vanessa who was celebrating her 40th birthday taught me a lot. I explored one of the most interesting places I have ever been too. We walked and did so much that as I type this most muscles in my body are aching, my toes still feel a little bit numb and I feel so tired I could sleep for a week. Yes I hear what you are saying, I am getting old! 

I also took the time to take stock of where I am and where my life is at my new age. I had been looking forward for sometime to going away, time with friends, time to be me and not just a mum and time in a place I had never visited. What I ended up doing was having an amazing time while also realising I have absolutely everything I want and need at home. I missed terribly my boys (Karl included!) and found my mind wandering to home and cuddles from my lovely husband and beautiful sons. It made me see that I am one of the luckiest women around and that made me smile massively!

You may have noticed I moan about the children, I get stressed, I sometimes nag Karl and I know you will be shocked to hear this but sometimes I can be a miserable moo but I love them immensely and would never be without them. Who can ask for more than that? All the other things I do, my mentoring, blogging, photography, Instagram, my newspaper column are all things I love and make me immensely happy but the root of all of these things are my family. They back me up, they give me my ideas and they are there when i need them. 

My dream as most of you know is to write, to make a career out off my writing and my pictures and I see how that this is hugely to do with wanting to be at home and around my little family more. To be able to put my heart and soul into what I write while being in our lovely home surrounded by those that I love and that love me. Hint hint to anyone who fancies employing me to write for their publication, newspaper, leaflet or shopping list! 

Anyway my next post will be a full on critique of Amsterdam but for now I must sign off and say that I may be the most grown up I have ever been in years but I am also the most full of childlike excitement that I have been for years. I am too old to please everyone, I am secure in who I am, I want to spend time with the people I love and enjoy all the smiles they bring.

Life is too short and time is far too precious to waste.

Hey all, I hope you are having a lovely weekend.

Yesterday was my first day back of the new school year at Youth Mentoring. This is something I haven’t really blogged about before as due to it’s very nature it confidential and often emotive.

It is so easy to forget as we get older just how hard it is to grow up. To be a teenager with all the hormones flying around and simply trying to work out who we are and what path we want to follow (how hard when at nearly 33 I’m still not 100% sure!) We forget the pressures school puts you under when we enter the world of work and start to look back on our younger days with rose tinted glasses. I even do it now, I often discuss with friends how much easier life was when I was at school and yet when I reflect back on how I felt at the time I longed to grow up where I could make my own decisions and not feel like my every move was dictated and judged by others.

When I began my training as a youth mentor I remembered just how many of the issues we discussed had affected me. Issues with friendship, identity, education, self confidence and many others. I became very nervous about how I could make any kind of difference in a young persons life and whether I was actually a bit of a fraud who had just about managed to get through childhood and adolescence by the skin of their teeth not really knowing how or whether I actually did anything right.

So last year I started, I met with three children of different secondary school ages throughout the year. One of them I saw for the whole year and felt that we had really made progress. So much so that at the end of the school year we said our goodbyes and I had been told that I would meet new teenagers at the beginning of this year.

I was quite surprised when I arrived to find that that familiar face waiting for me. My heart I have to be honest sank, I immediately thought that I hadn’t quite got it right last year and obviously things had gone awry over the summer and I had let them down. I sat down and took a deep breath and we chatted. Actually for quite a lot longer than I realised but I found out that although things over the summer had been fine for various different reasons the return to school had bought some of the old behaviours back and this had caused some anguish and issues for my mentee.

They explained to me that they had realised the issues from before were creeping back and that they felt the need to do something about it before it came to be a significant issue and asked for some additional help and advice in coping in times when the old version of them reared it’s head.

I have to say I not only felt like I could cheer at this fourteen year old but I was genuinely shocked. There are so many grown ups I know and others I have come across in my life who have issues, often recurring that they refuse to either acknowledge or get any kind of help for. Here was someone who not only acknowledged these issues but also acknowledged that just because they had managed to deal with them once a new set of circumstances had meant that they needed to seek additional help to face these new challenges head on. Now if that isn’t wisdom I don’t know what is.

To have the strength and courage to be able to say things have changed and I need some additional help is a truly mature and grown up way of looking at life and yet this was from someone who in the eyes of many grown ups in the world would be an immature teenager with not a lot going on other than hormones and popular culture.

Life is constantly changing, we are constantly changing, growing and facing new challenges as people. Our identities, our personalities, our relationships with others constantly evolve and how many of us are brave enough to seek assistance or discuss our struggles  with others? There is almost that element of the stiff upper lip and coping. This is why I believe mindfulness is so important in todays ever stressful and changing world.

I have every faith and hope that our young people will grow into a generation who can embrace their mental health and how it affects them and not be scared to top up their coping mechanisms or to talk to others about how they feel. To acknowledge that it’s okay to not be perfect and to realise that we grow more as people by accepting our limits and building on our foundations to combat them.

In stark contrast I took the boys to the local woods for a muddy puddle walk today with one of my friends and her children. I had to strip the children of all clothes except their socks and pants just prior to getting into the car due to the ridiculous amounts of mud, rainwater, leaves and I suspect large range of animal poo.

In the road we live in there are quite a few elderly residents and it has become a daily thing to wave to the old lady who lives next door but one who sits in her chair in the front window of her house. Her son has told us how much she enjoys seeing what we get up to and how much effort the boys make to wave and show her the bits and pieces they come to and fro with (dinosaurs, balloons, sticks, lolly pops, drawings, ice creams, worms, you get the drift!)

Nate had been particularly quiet the whole journey home and I couldn’t figure out quite why. He had been having a lovely time full of laughter and mud, there was nothing for him to be even slightly down about. We pulled into the driveway and I pulled the keys out of the ignition. As I did so and just before I opened my mouth Nate in quite an affronted voice said, ‘If you think I am waving at the old lady only wearing pants you’ve got another thing coming!’ I couldn’t help but laugh to myself as he skulked off towards the front door not wanting anyone to see his dinosaur pants that he had chosen with pride this morning.

How amazing are children?

 

Hey all, How are we?

I have been thinking a lot about perspective this week, it becomes abundantly clearer as I age that so often the way I see things will be completely different to how others see things. We all interpret things differently, just look at art. One persons masterpiece is another persons eyesore. One person could look out of a window and see rain and instantly feel down and miserable, another would smile thinking of jumping in muddy puddles, the flowers that need a drink and how our world is such an amazing place.

I imagine this also works for how we view ourselves, we see ourselves in a totally different light to how others do. Some of us see positives, some negatives and we can so easily become our own worst enemy. What do you see when you look at yourself? Are you happy? What would you change? What would you keep? How would you go about making those changes? Do you see how much of an amazing person you are or do you struggle with your confidence?

I definitely fall on the latter side, I have realised lately that my own perspective and opinion of myself needs considerable work. How I feel about me affects how I behave, how I work, my motivation, my relationships and my happiness in general. This is not a self sacrificing post where I expect everyone to say that I can’t be as bad as I think I am because let’s be honest the only person who can change how I see and think of myself is me. This is of course far easier said than done but I do believe there is huge truth in the saying that how can we expect everyone else to be okay with us if we are not okay with ourselves?

When I think bout it there are massive examples all around me of how people view themselves and how it affects them. This week alone a great friend made a decision to not go for a job they would be amazing at because they were not convinced they were ready. A decision I totally respect and understand however I just wish that they could see how highly thought of they are and just how much they would have been able to excel. But again it’s how you feel about it and no ones else’s opinion will sway you.

Another friend is having some work done at the dentist and when we talked about being her being scared and how brave she is she almost dismissed it when actually she is one of the bravest people I know. So much so that I wished she could see how much of a breeze the dentist would be in comparison to recent trials and tribulations that she has dealt with confidence, elegance and quite frankly true grit.

Nate as many of you know is my older son who is six was really struggling this morning after he had been put into time out two times. One for being rude (no it’s not okay to tell mummy that they smell or that they are the worlds worst parents) and the other for ruining two of the beautiful roses in one of my vases in the living room by hitting it repeatedly with a wooden stick made of colourful blocks and also doing the usual and refusing to get washed and dressed. His younger brother Leo in comparison was a model child, he got ready, ate his breakfast, tidied his room, did the best reading I have ever heard him do and received an awful lot of praise for it. That in itself made Nate look at himself and decide hat he was a bad boy and would never be able to be good. His opinion totally and actually completely untrue. Like we explained to him, you can do bad things but it doesn’t make you a bad person.

So a personal journey for me to try and look at how I view myself and work on how I treat myself and others around me based on that. A long journey I hear you cry and one I will no doubt bore you with over the coming months.

So to conclude, what do you see when you look out of the window today? As Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently put it, ‘The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship is the one you have with yourself.’ If the people who love you and you love are there for you, willing to put up with you warts and all, love you despite your crappy decision making and feelings of total inadequacy then surely they deserve for you to be able to give that love back as a happy, secure person. Think about it…….

Hello all, how are we? Relatively quiet in the last week and I’m sorry about that. It’s all been very busy and full of stuff and I blinked and we are back on Monday again.

As the title suggests I am struggling to sleep, which has caused me to reflect on some of the things I have going on to try and work out exactly what is bothering me and how I can handle it.

One of the issues I believe is that I am not tired in the right way, I get absolutely shattered in the early evening and end up either falling asleep and then finding myself wide awake in the small hours or I am overtired and I don’t wind down enough to sleep properly.

Last week was the leaving drinks of my lovely friend who is moving off to France. I spent much of the week leading up to it trying to decide how I would be, I am so hugely happy for her but also so sad that she is leaving. I ended up drinking far too much and although had an amazing time certainly paid for it with the two day hangover that followed. It almost makes you feel uneasy that things can change completely in such a short space of time. Someone who had been a constant over the last four years at work is gone and she is never coming back. Of course we will speak and see each other again but in a very different way to what I have been used to.

I have always been one of those people who views change with suspicion and concern, don’t get me wrong change is so often for the better but I often worry that changing everything will have disastrous consequences and I struggle getting used to the new computer programme, the slightly smaller chocolate brownie or the addition of some new exotic alcopop favour.

I also wonder whether my sleep is being attacked by the ongoing doubts and nerves of all the rubbish things I am doing as a mother. The boys who lovely as they seem to be for everyone else often behave like a mixture between Dennis the Menace, Horrid Henry, Kevin the Teenager and WWF Wrestlers.

Leo’s constant moaning about various issues has this week almost turned into it’s own language, you can’t quite make out what it is other than a distinct moaning like wail which usually ends with the only words you can discern, ‘it’s not fair.’ Now I appreciate at the age of five things often might not seem fair however I refuse to believe life is that bad when you are moaning about not being able to wear jogging bottoms to school, having to put shoes on, not being able to eat 17 ice poles before breakfast  and not being able to have kebabs for every meal.

Nate has decided that he doesn’t need to wash so this has become a daily battle of me running a sink, bath, shower and then the inevitable stand off where he gives all the reasons why he can’t possibly wash which include things like not caring if he smells, he washed last week, soap is for girls and he just wants to get on with playing with toys.

There is of course also the issue that the boys have both decided that Mummy and Daddy’s bed is a far more comfortable option for sleeping so on a nightly basis I end up sleeping alongside both Daddy and the boys, all who snore, fidget, talk in their sleep, bring a vast array of cuddly toys with them (the boys not Karl) and in general make me wake up with a bad back after having to contort myself into a space that  I can fit into.

I think really that I may have answered my own question in relation to why I can’t sleep, in fact you could say I have always known the answers however how will I resolve them? The answer I believe is that I can’t. I can’t stop stress affecting me, the boys wanting to come in with us or the bad back that seems to be coming with age and experience!

There will likely come a time in my life when I desperately wish that they boys would want to come to me for comfort instead of dealing with it on their own, when I too will be making massive decisions and will need the extra thinking time and when I finally realise that change is a part of my life that will come whether I like it or not and that I should welcome it and all the new things it brings with open arms. However for now I am tired and grumpy so I will leave it there!

Wish me luck and if anyone has any remedies other than sleeping tablets I would be very grateful of your advice!

Loads of love, Lucy xx

I got to thinking this morning while writing this months column for the paper about fitness and health, what are my vices? What are my go to things for comfort when I feel bad and need something? Well I came down to three main groups, caffeine, wine and chocolate.

I am a tea drinker, my mum is a tea drinker, tea is a family institution and can make everything better. I make tea in the mornings, before bed, if there has been an upset and whenever I sit down for a good chat. Tea is a British institution which tends to go with cake which leads quite conveniently onto my next vice, chocolate. I can think of nothing better than a good catch up over tea and cake with friends. I think it’s the Alice in Wonderland lover in me and being honest at times the conversation makes just as much sense as the Mad Hatter did!

I am a particular fan of Chocolate, aren’t most of us. I often crave things like Ferrero Rocher, the trouble I have though is not eating a whole box at once (whoever has that kind of willpower is my hero!) I have to be very careful to not have them in the house too often as I can’t leave them! I have also become a huge fan of dark chocolate of late. I think sadly this comes with getting old, like wine I used to find it too rich and too complex a flavour. Now I would happily melt it and drink it as my main source of nutrition. I am a particular fan of Aldi chocolate, not only is it reasonably priced but the dark choc with nuts is so packed full again I get carried away and munch the whole bar.

Now moving onto wine, well alcohol really. I have had many discussions with some of my friends lately about our concerns of how often we get to the end of the day and find ourselves fancying a glass of something. I imagine that for most parents the end of a stressful day can breed this kind of habit. My issue is my favourite is Prosecco and let’s be honest it’s not the kind of drink that you can leave in the fridge for the next night is it?!

Consequently I try to keep my prosecco for times when I am drinking with another so we can share and I don’t feel the need to drink the whole bottle. I am very into adding rose and elderflower cordial to my fizz these days but again this is probably a bad idea as it just tastes like some exotic kind of juice! I found this out to my embarrassment a couple of weeks ago when a friend and I got through four bottles of prosecco over one evening and I devoured a very large piece of chocolate cake using only my hands. Hey we all have our vices!

Any way, back to my cuppa, it’s getting cold!

Never forget a little bit of what you fancy does you no harm, four bottle though can be seen as excessive! xx

 

Morning all and a very happy Monday to you. Monday’s are usually one of those days that we would all rather stay in bed and let the world around us go by however I am lucky this week to have a Monday off.

I got up then full of the zest you get on a day off, I can take on the world, I’m going to get loads done, I am going to skip with the children to school full of little tales from their weekend to share with their friends. I am full of Joie De Vivre and looking forward to new eyebrows later (HD Brows, apparently it’s time I got with the future of eyebrows!)

Anyway it all went a little bit wrong when I put the boys breakfast on the table. A simple action that involved the mixing up of two breakfast cereals because why would any child have only one kind in their bowl. The arguments started, ‘he looked at me strangely’, ‘he is wearing my favourite pants’, ‘he had two more chocolate pillows than me’ and it went on and on and on. Fast forward almost two hours when we should have left for school fifteen minutes prior and Nate still had no shoes on.

I got to the bottom of it quite quickly, Nate had a huge issue, a massive problem, perhaps one of the biggest ones of his little life so far. To provide some context to this I need to explain that the school sent home a letter on Friday asking that every child come into school on Monday with a water bottle that they could take sips from throughout the day and mean that they won’t have to ask every time they want a drink. It also of course promotes to children how important it is to stay healthy and hydrated. A marvellous idea. Well other than Nate who doesn’t drink water. Doesn’t like it, almost has a total aversion to it, like it burns as it goes down his throat.

Nate’s issue of course was that he wanted juice. You would have thought that knowing the inevitable tornado that would follow I would have just said yes however I tried to be a good parent. I patiently explained that the school had asked for water and why, how important water is to us and most importantly that if I let Nate have juice and all the other children in his class had water it really wouldn’t be fair.

This prompted one of the biggest tirades he has ever had, I make him miserable I am so mean, it’s not fair, Can’t I do something to the water from the tap to make it taste differently, he wants to go and live with Nana, she would understand. It was a bit like all the things I worry I am rubbish at as a mum being confirmed but in a screaming voice. I was quite flattered though that Nate seems to believe that I have god-like powers and can turn water into another tastier clear liquid with only my mind (I know vodka isn’t suitable, but it’s the first thing I thought of!)

So we arrived at school, late, hot, stressed, tired with two grumpy children with faces like thunder marching into their classrooms like I am the worst mother in the world. I spoke to the kind teaching assistant at Nate’s door and explained the mammoth episode he had been having this morning and why only for her to say, ‘bring a bottle that isn’t clear then the other children won’t know what he drinking’. Brilliant, not only am I an awful mother but I also have the problem solving skills of a walrus (nothing against walruses but it was the thing I felt matched me best both physically and mentally!)

So off for new eyebrows…. what could go wrong? xx

So…. Here I am, after about four years spending most days adding at least one picture to Instagram and surrounding myself with all the beautiful images, like minded people and ideas I have decided to start a blog.

When I first thought about it I changed my mind as I thought, what do I have to offer? Why read my musings over some of the other amazing bloggers who are like me and then I thought even if one person reads what I write and takes from it surely that’s a success so here I am!

Maybe I can help, how many working mums are there out there like me? Struggling to keep fit, keep on top of working, bringing up children to be the best they can be and with manners, trying to be a good wife, a good daughter, friend, aunt (you get the drift!) all the while trying to have a lovely home, time for being creative, to keep healthy and above all to keep smiling. If that sounds like you, well you are in the right place!

After many months of soul searching and probably many more at points to come I realised that I can do good and as well as volunteering as a youth mentor I also am trying to promote happiness, mindfulness and confidence in others by reading as much as I can, attending courses and generally listening to the world around me a bit more!

As Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put it, ‘A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water’. Now as a tea lover I always find this inspiring quote makes me smile but I also think it is an amazing place to start for my blog.

Please enjoy and tell me what you think.

 

Hi all, how are we?

I have always loved this time of the year, it’s all about new beginnings, new hopes and dreams, aspirations for another academic year. We all seem to get a new sense of purpose and look forward to the next part of the year, Autumn, Christmas, booking next years holiday and how much more grown up and personality filled will our children be by the end of this year.

I’m quite sure that if you have children who have been home for the holidays like me, you have a new sense of purpose because the house looked a little bit like it had been hit by a tornado! I got more housework done yesterday in two hours than I did in the whole of the holidays and that included a stop for a cuppa in the middle (who doesn’t love a cuppa mid clean!)

I also got pangs of sadness as I looked out of the window over the garden and saw all of the things the boys have been up to over the last few weeks strewn all over the place. It was like a scene frozen in time, the slide in the paddling pool, the football goal with various craft creations tied on to it, the buckets and spades piled on top of the sand pit, the trampoline with a number of balls inside and of course a number of toys that should really never go outside that I had either forgotten to pick up or not realised the little monsters had sneaked out! Only this time there was no laughter, no boys running around playing imaginary games of cowboys or space men because they are both learning about life and expanding their amazing little brains.

I was very sad this week to have not been able to drop them off for their first day of school. It’s a big thing going into year one and two and sadly I had to take them and their gleaming new shoes and uniform to my parents who took them to school for us as we both had to work. I also felt very guilty as I so often do. When I did get the opportunity to do the school run myself the next day though it ended up with Leo refusing to put on shoes (yes again!) then not getting into the car. Nate moaning because Leo was making too much noise and then Leo in the playground getting into a small tussle with another boy about who was the best at football even though Leo tends to pick it up and walk around with it much to the annoyance of the other children.

Back to aspirations, I love how this time of year reminds us about being young and how it felt to be going off to school for another year. I still find that it inspires me to start something new, to take up a new skill or just make some changes. This will mostly involve some changes to the garden for us however I am in more of a consultancy role as building sheds and erecting fences really isn’t my strong suit. Maybe that could be my new skill!

How does back to school feel to you? What exciting projects or plans are on the horizon for you? As usual I would love to hear.

Much love xx

 

Happy weekend all…. How are we? 

I’ve had a busy week as usual full of all the normal things you would expect, ill children, untidy rooms, the occasional tantrum and an awful lot of Tom and Jerry.

I took the boys on Thursday to a local wildlife park with one of my lovely friends and her children who are six and two. We then went back to her house for a sleep over. The children had fun in the paddling pool, Nate managed to catch a goldfish from their pond (no harm to any animals I promise) and they had a feast before bed. 

As you can imagine my friend and I really needed prosecco by the end of the evening and suffice to say I was a tad tipsy when Nate at midnight came down still wide awake! So cue two slightly tipsy women in their thirties trying to get a blow up mattress to do just that, do you think we managed it, oh no! 

I ended up spending the night on what was actually a very comfy sofa with Nate. It was only when I woke up in the morning that I realised I had eaten the biggest chunk of chocolate cake I have ever seen, two slices of pizza and between us we had got through a bit more prosecco than we should have!

We went and met another friend of mine at a play place in the afternoon and while the children behaved like absolute loons we sat with tea and managed to catch up. My friend has a new baby, he is five months old, absolutely gorgeous and growing well with a beautiful smile. 

My friend looked stunning, her hair was lovely, her outfit was stylish and her skin looked great, she certainly wasn’t the greasy haired, spot covered mess I was when I had a new born who didn’t wear anything that wasn’t covered in snot or baby sick. As we were chatting she looked sad and confided that she is being treated for post natal depression.

I’ve known this friend since school, she has always been strong and forthright and she is an amazing mummy to her older daughter who is two. I’m not saying it shocked me to find that she has been suffering the way she has but that it just shows that even the strongest of people can suffer after the emotional roller coaster that bringing a small person into the world can be. 

My very wise friend said that if she had broken a bone she would go to the hospital to get help so she felt she had no choice after three days not feeling able to get out of bed and constantly being in tears but go to the doctor. We discussed the stigma attached to making such a disclosure and how often it comes out of nowhere knocking you down like a bus and leaving you with no idea what to do next.

The three of us discussed our own experiences of post natal depression and I was quite shocked to find that even though all three of us felt we had suffered after having one of our children only one of us had sought help. I didn’t, I was so angry at ‘failing’ and letting my emotions get to me and my other friend said she felt that if she just carried on it would be okay and eventually she was although it took a considerable amount of time.

Whilst sat holding her gorgeous baby boy I listened to my friend explain that with a mixture of anti-depressants and attending a weekly group for mums suffering with PND themselves she is slowly feeling brighter.

I honestly don’t know if I had have sought treatment after having Leo whether I would have gone on to have my eating disorder and the anxiety and depression I have suffered with. I suspect I delayed the inevitable by not being strong enough to seek help. 

It doesn’t matter who we are, what our character is, what we do for a living or how we have grown up, we still can all suffer when it comes to our mental health. I can’t implore anyone reading this enough to have a think about there’s and if you feel you need some help know there is no shame in being honest. There are people who can help and actually you will be a happier mum with a happier family if you are happy with you.

Have a fab weekend xxx 

Evening all! I hope it’s been a lovely bank holiday Monday for you.

I’ve been working today, it was the ordinary drill for a working day for me, I left early this morning, the boys spent the morning with Karl my husband and he dropped them to my parents who looked after them until I got home at dinner time.

As I’m sure most of you know at the end of the day we are often tired, frazzled and needing to chill. My parents always cook me dinner on days like today so I can at least not have to cook. Today was a yummy roast with all the trimmings which I was so grateful for. Before I got to that though a massive realisation came over me.

When I pulled up in front of my parents house and got out of the car I was quite surprised. There were no bikes, scooters, random piles of debris or in fact any evidence at all that my two monsters had even been there. Now this is unusual I thought, maybe they are ill? Maybe Nana had taken them out? Then they appeared, two grubby looking boys wearing only pants and covered in a mixture of chocolate and grass. As I walked through the side gate I spied my dear mum sat on the garden swing looking nothing short of knackered.

The back garden was a war zone, literally. There were bath toys all over the grass, juice cups strewn all over the place and small piles of clothes littered the length of the garden. I didn’t want to ask, I just sat down next to my mum who was clutching her tea and slowly swinging. ‘How have they been?’ I ask already knowing the answer, ‘they haven’t stopped’ mum answered with a little smile.

I thought then about the many things in my life that I have tried and not been good at, driving (I still do it but give people a health warning when they enter the car!) science, hockey, maths, the time I thought I would be amazing at ping pong, the time in New York that I declared to Karl that I was an exemplary ice skater and then ended up with some quite severe injuries from a fall at great speed and with both legs in the air. But what about motherhood?

Of course it’s not something we try, we do and we cope, like many thousands of years of mothers before us who have raised good, clever, well mannered, fulfilled and happy children. Like our mothers who we can remember doing all they could and never giving in as testing as we were in our youths. Yet why do I feel like I cant do it? I’m no good at it and everyone around me can see it, they know, they see me shouting at my children in the supermarket, they see them wrestling on the floor of the school play ground.

So my question then is this, when we aren’t very good at something whether that be a genuine issue or our own perception of ourselves how do you carry on? How do you hold your head high and give yourself a break when you feel like you would be graded a U in your report from an expert? The answer is that I honestly don’t know! What I do know though that tomorrow is a new day, the sun has set and tomorrow it will rise again. The boys will get up expecting mummy to be the mummy they know and love not some neurotic mess who is doubting her abilities in life. So now I am going to go to bed, watch some trashy tele, have a cup of tea safe in the knowledge that I can carry on trying tomorrow and hoping that I am one of many mums at the end of the school holidays with children who are desperate to get back to the structure and routine of school and whose mum we now realise deserves a bloody medal for managing to get us to where we are today!