Evening all! I hope it’s been a lovely bank holiday Monday for you.
I’ve been working today, it was the ordinary drill for a working day for me, I left early this morning, the boys spent the morning with Karl my husband and he dropped them to my parents who looked after them until I got home at dinner time.
As I’m sure most of you know at the end of the day we are often tired, frazzled and needing to chill. My parents always cook me dinner on days like today so I can at least not have to cook. Today was a yummy roast with all the trimmings which I was so grateful for. Before I got to that though a massive realisation came over me.
When I pulled up in front of my parents house and got out of the car I was quite surprised. There were no bikes, scooters, random piles of debris or in fact any evidence at all that my two monsters had even been there. Now this is unusual I thought, maybe they are ill? Maybe Nana had taken them out? Then they appeared, two grubby looking boys wearing only pants and covered in a mixture of chocolate and grass. As I walked through the side gate I spied my dear mum sat on the garden swing looking nothing short of knackered.
The back garden was a war zone, literally. There were bath toys all over the grass, juice cups strewn all over the place and small piles of clothes littered the length of the garden. I didn’t want to ask, I just sat down next to my mum who was clutching her tea and slowly swinging. ‘How have they been?’ I ask already knowing the answer, ‘they haven’t stopped’ mum answered with a little smile.
I thought then about the many things in my life that I have tried and not been good at, driving (I still do it but give people a health warning when they enter the car!) science, hockey, maths, the time I thought I would be amazing at ping pong, the time in New York that I declared to Karl that I was an exemplary ice skater and then ended up with some quite severe injuries from a fall at great speed and with both legs in the air. But what about motherhood?
Of course it’s not something we try, we do and we cope, like many thousands of years of mothers before us who have raised good, clever, well mannered, fulfilled and happy children. Like our mothers who we can remember doing all they could and never giving in as testing as we were in our youths. Yet why do I feel like I cant do it? I’m no good at it and everyone around me can see it, they know, they see me shouting at my children in the supermarket, they see them wrestling on the floor of the school play ground.
So my question then is this, when we aren’t very good at something whether that be a genuine issue or our own perception of ourselves how do you carry on? How do you hold your head high and give yourself a break when you feel like you would be graded a U in your report from an expert? The answer is that I honestly don’t know! What I do know though that tomorrow is a new day, the sun has set and tomorrow it will rise again. The boys will get up expecting mummy to be the mummy they know and love not some neurotic mess who is doubting her abilities in life. So now I am going to go to bed, watch some trashy tele, have a cup of tea safe in the knowledge that I can carry on trying tomorrow and hoping that I am one of many mums at the end of the school holidays with children who are desperate to get back to the structure and routine of school and whose mum we now realise deserves a bloody medal for managing to get us to where we are today!