I am a mum to boys, anyone who has ever read my blog before will know this and every so often I go a little bit mad.
Today is one of those days, I have just had what I can only describe as a childlike tantrum at having to clear up wee from the floor around the toilet for what feels like the millionth time this week. They have a body part that allows them to aim and yet it’s like they go into the bathroom, stick on a blindfold and just have a laugh pissing fast and loose all over the place all the while thinking ‘it’s alright Mummy will clear it up’
Now as much as I have become an expert in cleaning up other peoples piss from the second the boys were born I have to be honest and say it really isn’t my favourite thing. It smells, it goes literally everywhere and leaves nasty stains. It is my most used sentence of every single day ‘WHO HAS WEED OVER THE SIDE OF THE TOILET AGAIN’ only for every single male (including my husband) to tell me it wasn’t them.
Perhaps I have developed some kind of urinary dementia and in fact it’s me soiling the bathroom floor hundreds of times a day but I actually think the chances of this being the case are about the same as me being elected as the next US president (I guess stranger things have happened!)
When I was getting ready to go out on Friday last week for the first night out in at least six months I needed to have a shower. I explained to both the boys that I would be using the one and only bathroom and if they needed the toilet they should go. No one did of course, in fact I don’t think either of them even answered me. Mid way through my shower as I was shaving my legs which I have to say had required shaving for some time Leo appeared dancing around and had a massive poo on the toilet. He then looked at me and said ‘who is going to wipe my bum?’ Now Leo my youngest is six and should really be able to do this for himself however as with many things when it comes to it he miraculously doesn’t remember how. He tried after I moaned and managed to get shit all over the bathroom floor. So, one leg smooth and silky the other looking like a yeti’s I had to get out of the shower and clear up him, the floor, myself and take a number of deep breaths. I then got back in the shower only for him to say ‘Mummy, why have you got only one hairy leg?’
I literally skipped out of the door when Karl got home but it seems strange that he doesn’t have these issues when he has the boys and I’m pretty sure he would say.
We then have the continuous arguments about doing things, things such as needing to wear pants, needing to change pants, needing to put pants in the washing basket, needing to not wipe bogies over the walls, needing to understand that it’s not appropriate to fart anywhere you fancy and many other basic rules of life and hygiene which both boys refuse to acknowledge or adhere to. Who cares about brushing teeth, being clean or wearing the same pants 21 days in a row anyway?
There is also this bizarre ritual I have to go through on a daily basis (when I’m not wiping up wee) where I have to find things the boys have lost. We do this not just at home but anywhere we go and we can lose literally anything at all. They come out of the doors at school wearing nothing but a shirt, trousers and shoes and daily I ask ‘ where is your bag/jumper/coat/lunch box/drinks bottle’ you get the drift. Only to be met by a vacant look of I have no idea and I then do the annoyed mum route March around the playground, town, school, house, car or any other place we have been.
I know I am moaning, I know I am so very lucky to have beautiful, healthy and happy children but some days I do feel like I’m going ever so slightly insane (well more insane than usual) Anyway must go, Nate needs a poo!
tiredfromwhitstable 
I gained a very frightened little 7 yr old girl when her mum, my sister, died of cancer 3 yrs ago. I have no children of mine and single.
Over the years I’ve heard all my friends mutterings about their children and what they have done and how annoyed they are. I’ve just laughed and said is it really that bad!
Now I know, now it’s come back to bite me on the bum, everything you have written happens in our house, well apart from missing the loo.
You have my every sympathy my dear x
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Bless you, I can’t imagine how that must have been. I feel awful moaning I really do but sometimes you just need to pour it all out and actually it made me feel a tiny bit better! Thanks so much for commenting xxx
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Looking back on my life perhaps I can understand some of the complaints of my own mother ( who is now 76 years) in bringing up two boys with a three year age gap, yes she was also out numbered three to one, and had to contend with poor aim, a failure for the loo seat to be put back down ( something that my wife has had to train me to do), farting loudly and regularly, fist fights, washing (dirty and clean) left on bedroom floors and no doubt other disgusting habits. These issues continued through our teens, with added dramas, usually linked to girlfriends, although Dad had to deal with us using his tools to repair bikes and later cars, and on occasions our mates would bring their bikes to our house to either use Dad’s tools or get him to fix their bikes.
What is the point of this long post? Firstly just go with the flow, it’s a male thing and take comfort in the thought that they will soon to invade Karl’s sheds and will make use of his tools and upset his world.
Enjoy all of the things the boys throw at you, they grow up too fast, and as a father of a nineteen year old daughter I have millions if willies to worry about, you only have two to worry about!!
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I like that you took the time to read any of my ramblings and you are of course right. One day in the not too distant future I will be moaning that they never come to see me and how much I dislike their girlfriends. Life is too short hey! Xx
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