Summer holidays, messy houses and history repeating itself……

Hello to you all, the summer holidays are finally here which means only one thing, childcare organised and planned to precision!

We don’t have loads of time off with the boys over the summer but we do have a week and a bit coming up and I absolutely can’t wait. We have lots of lovely things planned and I’ve no doubt I will be sharing lots of it with you here. We are off to the Elmley Nature Reserve for an overnight stay, Dreamland, we have Leo’s birthday, the boys have various sports camps and a big BBQ for family and friends. 

I can’t believe that Nate has now finished at Infant school. A couple of the Whitstable schools are Infant and Junior only so Nate will embark on a new adventure at a new school come September. He has grown into a kind, gentle and full of energy little boy and I couldn’t be prouder of him. I cried like a small child at his leavers service and apparently according to Karl I am the ultimate embarrassing parent but do you know what, at least he knows I am his number one fan and I will always be there to give a little woop woop from the audience! 

The more this year goes on the more I realise what is important. I spend so much of my time trying to have the perfect home and I have decided that I am just fighting a losing battle. I love my home, I love that the boys love playing here and that it’s totally unique. It won’t ever be a show home with no dust or the odd bit of Lego on the floor but it’s a home full of love and I couldn’t ask for more.

I am coming to the last week of my CBT, this is a huge thing. I’ve made huge progress and feel the most positive about moving forward with my mental health issues than I have in years however I am also a bit of a bag of nerves. I’ve been here before, I’ve had therapy and felt strong and then ultimately ended up back where I started only a little bit worse each time. 

So what’s different this time? Have I got the skills I need to move forward and not end up back on self destruct and feeling like I’m not worthy of walking this earth? Well I can never take my mental health for granted but I do feel this time like something has shifted from where I’ve been before. I’m quieter, more thoughtful and I think through each and every move in a totally different way than I did before.

Self love is something I’ve told you before that I’ve been distinctly lacking and while I still can’t say I’m crazy about myself I certainly have a new respect for who I am, what I’ve been through and what I’ve put others through. My journey is mine I am the only one with the ultimate power over how I deal with it and all the things life throws at me.

That’s quite a powerful position to be in and one which I hope I have finally got straight in my head. Life is so very tough and we as humans have habits of making it worse for ourselves. I hope that this time I have the strength to go forward and not need to in a couple of years time to have more intervention for another mental health crisis.

Being aware is taking a healthy approach to your mindfulness and wellbeing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. 

If any of you are struggling or not sure where to turn you have options, people care and they can help you. Please don’t suffer in silence, don’t let yourself get so low that you don’t know where to turn.

Must dash, Nate and Leo are arguing over who gets the last fruit roll. Much love my friends xxx

I need Baileys, paracetamol and the world’s biggest bar of chocolate……

I woke up this morning after a crappy day yesterday in so much pain, I hadn’t washed my hair in three days and was thoroughly convinced I smelled. 

I really wasn’t with it yesterday and didn’t really leave the bedroom much apart from a couple of small disasters such as running out of biscuits and Leo having lost every pair of scissors we own so trying to assist in locating some so Nate could make 3D stars (takes after his mother!)

When I actually left the bedroom this morning I couldn’t believe my eyes, it appeared that some sort of bizarre micro climate had swept through every other room in the house and a tornado had picked up everything we own and either smashed it to bits or thrown it into another room. Was it a tornado you ask? No it was Nate and Leo, just two small boys with a day off school fuelled with Christmas excitement and a mother recovering from major surgery who slept most of the day. Karl of course was around but in that strange biological mystery that is the difference in genetics between men and women he hadn’t noticed said tornado but apparently enjoyed that new car series Jeremy Clarkson is doing instead of Top Gear! 

I found a five pence piece in the plug hole in the bath, red icing on the kitchen floor, empty sweet packets secreted in various corners of the house and some pants on the living room floor. I had a small sense of humour failure, my OCD kicked in and I couldn’t quite process what to do to rectify it all. I decided to try and pick up all the decorations from the Christmas tree but it hurt, I tried to clean the icing off the floor but it hurt so instead I had a cup of tea.

We then had lunch, Nate wouldn’t finish his and when asked to eat the ham in his sandwich he said, ‘you know I’m no meat eater, I would rather be a triceratops’ we then watched a programme about great white sharks at Alcatraz (don’t ask) which Leo said he couldn’t watch as it was far too ‘old school’ for him (he is five) and now I think I will have a little snooze.

Happy weekend you lovely people xx