When giving up is being set free

Hi all, I find myself today in a very dark place. I don’t want to bore you with all the details but suffice to say that I am feeling very down.

As many of you who suffer or have suffered with depression and anxiety before will know sometimes we don’t deal with things in the best way and that is usually for ourselves. People in my life often don’t understand why I give myself such a hard time about things and in lots of ways am my own worst enemy. I never understood it for a long time, I would go over negative words people had said and almost use them as weapons against myself. I would over think the tiniest point until it became like a giant mountain blotting out the sun and I couldn’t get over it. I would make people around me miserable because I was so down.

All of my learning over the past few years has massively helped me in this area, 90% of the time I can see things for what they are, from the right perspective and deal with them accordingly. Often by rising above whatever it is or simply by realising it isn’t something that I need to let affect me terribly but sometimes this seems almost impossible. Particularly when it’s something that has been ongoing for sometime or that has the potential to cause you significant hurt.

My question is and I’m not sure that anyone at all will know the answer is when is enough enough? When do we realise that actually moving on, giving up, or stopping something completely is the best thing to do as opposed to continually trying, faking a smile and making the effort sometimes for the benefit of others. When does it no longer become healthy to struggle on, when is the right time to think it’s time to stand up for what I want and not let it get to me anymore? 

There will always be people in our lives who will be there no matter what, through thick and thin and for any reason. There will always be some who expect you to be there for them but aren’t so good the other way around. Sadly we often realise which kind of friend that person is when it’s a time when we really need them. 

I think the answer is that sometimes as adults we have to be grown up enough and tough enough I guess to say, enough is enough, I’m not a bad person and I deserve to be treated with respect and care. Now let’s see if I have the guts to go through with it! 


Every knob is different

Happy Sunday to you all, I write this at 1400 hours, so far today we have been to church, walked around the Whitstable Museum (loved it, you must go), had lunch, put away the worlds biggest pile of clean washing, separated what can only be described as two small wrestlers hell bent on destroying eachother (over an empty sweet tube no less) and on the final separation managed to bang my head on the drawer knob of the tv unit in the living room. 

Believe it or not this injury made me look at the pretty knob and decide to talk to you today about my love of knobs (furniture ones of course!).

I started upcycling furniture in 2013, I remember this because that is when Karl’s grandfather passed away. It was incredibly sad and very quick and I had always been very fond of him. His Nan passed away in 2009 when I was pregnant with Nate so never met either of the boys but George was always lovely with them. Anyway, he left a house full of all the things that he and Karl’s nan Kath had shared throughout their lives. Karl’s dad invited him and his sisters to have a look and see if there were any pieces of furniture that they would like as a momento of their grandparents. Each agreed how lovely an idea it was and Karl asked if we could have a lovely old chest of drawers and Karl’s Nan’s dressing table (which still had empty bottles of her favourite Chanel in the drawers). It was that chest of drawers we first painted in Annie Sloan’s chalk paint in Paris Grey (a lifelong love).

A trip to Home Bargains gave me some inspiration to change the old metal handles for some more exciting knobs. Home Bargains is a fab place for cheap branded toiletries but the home range is also to die for. I chose ones that reminded me of the crystal maze. I love to this day how they glitter in different light and paint small rainbows across the wood when it’s raining and the sun is shining through the window. 

That’s where it started, I don’t think there is a piece of furniture in our house now that doesn’t have new knobs. One of my very favourite places to buy them is Queen Bee Home in Canterbury where they have some designs to die for. 

It’s amazing how you can change the personality of a piece completely by something so simple.

Which is your favourite? 

Lucy xx

They are both ours….. Right?

Hey all and a very happy weekend to you.

As you know I have two boys, Nate and Leo, 6 and 4. There is only 17 months between them thanks to a happy accident so you would think that they would both be very similar however you would be wrong.

Some days I really struggle just being a mum, I often feel like I’m no good at it and that it comes naturally to so many other amazing mums and yet I’m like an alien trying to understand how these little people work. Some days I’m quite sure this is because they are so different.

Nate is me, he looks like I did when I was little and he has my ways, massively creative, sensitive and kind. He also has some of my negative sides, moaney, short tempered and away with the fairies a lot of the time! Nate loves to sing, he lives spending time with nature and he seems to want to please and this shows by his glowing school reports and praise from teachers.

Leo however is his fathers son, Karl and I went to primary school together so I can say with authority that Karl was full of confidence, bulshey and very practically clever. Leo is like a whirlwind, he has the memory of an elephant, the problem solving skills of a much older mind than he has and can talk his way out of anything. Don’t get me wrong he is an absolute love and totally gorgeous to boot but he is one of those children that just has something about him. Almost a disregard for how others think of him, he is totally okay with who he is. Just like I remember his father being.

Together then they can be a very interesting mix, Nate with the flair and explosive moods of Van Gogh (before he cut off his ear) and Leo with the ability to wind his brother up with one word which then causes mayhem and pandemonium. Often Nate the older boy ends up being harassed by his brother because he patiently wants to get things done and Leo wants to move on to the next. I imagine Leo one day being a Steve Jobs type character, terribly brilliant and passionate and massively clever.

I love both of my boys dearly and I absolutely cannot wait to see how they grow and who they grow into. I never expected they would both be so different and therefore present such challenges to parent. 

I wonder how many other mums are feeling the same way as I am about their incredibly different children.

Variety is the spice of life.

Big love xx

Judging a book by it’s cover….

Hello lovelies and a happy Friday to you all!

I have very much been thinking about positivity this morning. There is that saying about how everyone is dealing with some sort of struggle that you know nothing about. How true is that? We live in a world where we have so much more awareness about health issues both mental and physical and yet there are so many of these things we feel we can’t talk about.

There are many interesting discussions currently about how social media such as Facebook and Instagram only show us the good parts of people’s lives and that actually everything isn’t so rosy in the harsh and real light of day. Well of course that’s going to be true for everyone isn’t it? I’m not aware of anyone walking this earths surface who is perfect and we all know that is okay!

I am someone who as you know suffers with anxiety and depression, I am still suffering with the effects of my eating disorder even though I’m in recovery. I could include much more of these aspects of my life in my social media accounts however I see them as a space for positivity. Don’t get me wrong, I moan a lot and will often put how I am feeling in my posts however I like to post things that are colourful, bright and full of the things I love so I can come back to all the good things and beautiful sights around me without always focusing on my insecurities and issues.

My life is not full of flowers, I don’t spend my time endlessly arranging them or growing them or even having the time to buy fresh ones each week but I do enjoy when I can and I love and appreciate how beautiful nature is through them. That’s why so much of my account involves them.

It makes you wonder how people would react if you did start posting pictures of crying children after a day at school followed by swimming lessons and so tired they can hardly stand or you miserable because you have put on two pounds and your jeans have gone tight! I’m quite sure judgement would be passed on reverse about how not everyone needs to know all your business and how airing your dirty laundry shouldn’t be done in public! We can’t win can we!

I like to think that as a modern mum in a fast paced world I can understand that most people around me are having some sort of struggle and often will take the opportunity to show the good side of their life and loves on their social media accounts and what can be wrong with filling little boxes with happiness and colour?

I hope that whatever you are going through today will be a good day and please accept a virtual hug from me.

To finish another quote (you know me!)

“I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland 

Starry Eyed

Hey lovely people, how are we all? I’m on my first day off this week and loving the feeling of knowing I have five days at home! 

I got to thinking yesterday about stars. I have over the last few years developed what can only be described as an obsession with stars. I remember my mum telling me once that you tend to love the things you need to be surrounded with (I think we were talking about favourite colours). So I must need stars in my life. 

My brother in law made a joke about his and my sister in laws imminent house purchase yesterday and chose to veto a house warming gift of a star from me because of how many I have in my home. I had a look around when I got back from work and noticed that yes I do seem to have plenty of stars in the house however they are all different, I am almost like a collector of stars!

You can find stars in many different places (yes I know the sky is one!) I tend to find them in trinket shops, vintage stores, shabby chic furniture stores and various other places. If I see one I can’t resist buying it so as a result I have many in different styles and materials. I literally surround myself with them. 

Do you have a theme that runs throughout your home? A symbol, something that makes you smile, makes you think of something or be reminded of something? I would love to hear about it.

All of my stars have come from local shops to me in Whitstable and Canterbury and each and everyone makes me smile. 

I hope you like them! 

‘Don’t lose hope, when it gets dark the stars will come out’

Much love xx

Mum on the Run

Hey all, just a quick post today as I’m about to zoom off to work.

Today’s post is about running, about my running. I class myself as a runner, I started running properly in 2013 when I completed the NHS Couch to 5k podcasts. I can’t describe how running made me feel, time to think, some space, something that was only mine and all the while burning calories.

Unfortunately as my eating disorder took hold I came to be at odds with my running and ended up running far too much for far too long on far less fuel that I needed. This was like a kind of self harm, I got up at silly o clock in the morning, if I didn’t I felt I wasn’t working hard enough, I had to push myself constantly, to be better than the day before, to be fast and of course to lose weight. It became such a huge part of the cycle of me needing to lose weight that when I started therapy with the Eating Disorder Service in my area I was asked to sign a contract promising to cut down my physical exercise by 50%.

I am today two stone heavier than I was at the height of my eating issues at the end of 2014. This is for many reasons, the main one being that I now actually allow myself to eat! Others are that I am now happier with myself, eating a balanced diet and accepting of the fact I was never built to be a size zero.

My running then has had to evolve massively to the me I am today. For example getting up early to run is something now that feels alien, why would I want to go running when I could lay in bed cuddled up to my boys and listening to the birds outside the window. See, that’s happiness, contentment and allowing myself to not be so regimented. I accept that to stay the weight I am (still healthy for my height) that I can’t sit around doing nothing so now I run to keep fit and enjoy the world around me (oh and eat cake!).

I managed to pull myself out of bed this morning and did a run around the woods, it was hot, sunny and beautiful. The light breeze in my face, birds chirping and fellow runners greeting me as I went by. I am so much slower than I was when I was lighter, I still struggle with not looking at my Map my run too often as it’s no longer important how quickly I do it I just need to remember that actually being out and doing it is what it is all about.

I was mean and nasty to myself and my running helped me to continue that. I now see that being healthy and fit is a far greater part of being happy than being skinny ever was. Don’t get me wrong I still have those days where I look in the mirror and groan but…. Ladies that’s normal! 

Embrace who you are, what you do and how amazing you are! Walking, running round, swimming, cycling, you name it, it’s all exercise and all does us a world of good, not just physically but mentally too. 

Leaving you with a very sweaty picture of me after my run and another lovely Roald Dahl quote:

‘A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.’