Summer holidays, messy houses and history repeating itself……

Hello to you all, the summer holidays are finally here which means only one thing, childcare organised and planned to precision!

We don’t have loads of time off with the boys over the summer but we do have a week and a bit coming up and I absolutely can’t wait. We have lots of lovely things planned and I’ve no doubt I will be sharing lots of it with you here. We are off to the Elmley Nature Reserve for an overnight stay, Dreamland, we have Leo’s birthday, the boys have various sports camps and a big BBQ for family and friends. 

I can’t believe that Nate has now finished at Infant school. A couple of the Whitstable schools are Infant and Junior only so Nate will embark on a new adventure at a new school come September. He has grown into a kind, gentle and full of energy little boy and I couldn’t be prouder of him. I cried like a small child at his leavers service and apparently according to Karl I am the ultimate embarrassing parent but do you know what, at least he knows I am his number one fan and I will always be there to give a little woop woop from the audience! 

The more this year goes on the more I realise what is important. I spend so much of my time trying to have the perfect home and I have decided that I am just fighting a losing battle. I love my home, I love that the boys love playing here and that it’s totally unique. It won’t ever be a show home with no dust or the odd bit of Lego on the floor but it’s a home full of love and I couldn’t ask for more.

I am coming to the last week of my CBT, this is a huge thing. I’ve made huge progress and feel the most positive about moving forward with my mental health issues than I have in years however I am also a bit of a bag of nerves. I’ve been here before, I’ve had therapy and felt strong and then ultimately ended up back where I started only a little bit worse each time. 

So what’s different this time? Have I got the skills I need to move forward and not end up back on self destruct and feeling like I’m not worthy of walking this earth? Well I can never take my mental health for granted but I do feel this time like something has shifted from where I’ve been before. I’m quieter, more thoughtful and I think through each and every move in a totally different way than I did before.

Self love is something I’ve told you before that I’ve been distinctly lacking and while I still can’t say I’m crazy about myself I certainly have a new respect for who I am, what I’ve been through and what I’ve put others through. My journey is mine I am the only one with the ultimate power over how I deal with it and all the things life throws at me.

That’s quite a powerful position to be in and one which I hope I have finally got straight in my head. Life is so very tough and we as humans have habits of making it worse for ourselves. I hope that this time I have the strength to go forward and not need to in a couple of years time to have more intervention for another mental health crisis.

Being aware is taking a healthy approach to your mindfulness and wellbeing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. 

If any of you are struggling or not sure where to turn you have options, people care and they can help you. Please don’t suffer in silence, don’t let yourself get so low that you don’t know where to turn.

Must dash, Nate and Leo are arguing over who gets the last fruit roll. Much love my friends xxx

wellbeing, creativity and violence?

I read a hilariously funny thread on The Motherload Page on Facebook this morning about a mum who had some choice words to say about Kirstie Allsopp and her home made Christmas programme. The thread turned into such  a laugh that I had to stop reading as my post surgery tummy really couldn’t handle it.

This has got me thinking this morning about just how differently we see and think about things as mums. For any of you who haven’t seen it Kirstie has made a series of shows for the last few years about her making and crafting things for Christmas. These have included things such as driftwood trees, garlands, embroidered gifts, homemade chocolates and chutneys and on this weeks show pears dipped in gold leaf and used as place settings. The whole ethos behind it is to lose mass produced expensive gifts for handmade and cheaper unique alternatives.

Now I am a bit of a Kirstie fan and love her ideas of creating things for your home from old peoples junk. I also view this with dreaming eyes as I know I neither have the time or the cash to invest and renovate in old items. However it is a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine to watch such shows and come Christmas I do get a real kick out of all the amazing crafts, artisans and ideas that her programme showcases.

In real life I like to do craft, I am a fan of drawing and lettering as you all know and I love a bit of papercraft. This does not mean I am very good at it though and I can recall last Christmas getting very uppity after watching what felt like a million you tube videos on how to fold paper stars and not actually achieving any and making what resembled boomerangs. Karl however tried one and ended up folding a perfect star which I still have on my dressing table now as a reminder of how much I made him laugh pouting as I couldn’t get it right!

I have found this year a way of making cardboard barn stars which not only have I managed but I also really enjoy so now the house resembles the bit in Elf where poor Buddy goes into overdrive making snowflakes. Cooking and baking, I barely get by, crochet and embroidery, I’m more likely to stick a needle in my eye and end up in hospital and things like felt make my teeth go funny when it rubs together and makes that funny noise! Anyway my point is as much as I enjoy watching and looking at such crafts I am no good at them and leave it to the professionals. For me though there is a kind of relaxation or therapeutic element to watching such arts being undertaken.

Some of the comments on the Motherload this morning however spoke of wanting to punch Kirstie, how unrealistic her ideas are and how the money she was spending (gold leaf on a pear for example) would be much better spent on other more important things (like prosecco or chocolate Baileys I thought!) I did note that her own children didn’t take part in the show and she uses other children who do not belong to her and do crafts well and behave impeccably. I imagine this is because she like the rest of us knows that if you try and do anything with your own children they see it as a cue to misbehave, cause merry hell and eat everything in sight. Kirstie is a mum to boys too so she like me will face challenges such as arm wrestles over who gets to eat the most cherries, tears and tantrums over the metallic sharpies and constant games of hide and seek because the scissors have gone missing…… again!

It can be seen as yet another pressure on busy mums at Christmas that not only do you need to buy everything, get it all wrapped and ready and have the kids at home for two weeks you also need to make things yourself and spend countless hours doing so and then delivering them with a smile looking glam and not pissed (because of all the prosecco and Chocolate Baileys!)

Kirstie Allsopp will have at the very least, a team of researchers, a make up artist, a hair stylist, an assistant, a runner, someone who cleans up as she goes, someone who buys the stuff in for her to use and childcare on tap. She is also a famous celebrity who has plenty of cash to spend on gold leaf, artisan chocolate and things that are sold at posh Christmas Fairs. This is clearly not and never will be me, I am just happy if I get a compliment about my cardboard stars and a few likes on Instagram. I don’t think Kirstie wants to pressure us mums into a craft induced anxiety attack she is just doing her thing.

It really doesn’t matter what is under the tree this Christmas but who is sat around it. Whether that be your family, friends, moaning children, sleeping elderly relatives, drunk, sober, on their third bottle of chocolate Baileys or whatever. My point is that we are all bloody amazing and our families and friends are grateful to have us even if they haven’t got a place name marked with gold leaf or nothing but beans on toast for their dinner. Christmas is what we make it, we are who we make ourselves and no amount of gold leaf will do anything about that if we don’t believe it.

I leave you with a quote from Lady Cora from Downton Abbey, ‘You are being tested, and you know what they say my darling, being tested only makes you stronger’.